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After being fired for accidentally killing the hero, a bumbling minion is conscripted by the local village to defeat the Warlord.
Wow -- I can understand your struggles. One of the first issues that I see is the potential confusion over the title 'the hero'... obviously confusing as it could be construed to mean THE hero, as in, the protagonist. So -- just to so I get this straight: There are two warring villages, both havingRead more
Wow — I can understand your struggles. One of the first issues that I see is the potential confusion over the title ‘the hero’… obviously confusing as it could be construed to mean THE hero, as in, the protagonist.
So — just to so I get this straight:
There are two warring villages, both having armies made up of soldiers (for want of a better term…), A Warlord (like a General?), a Hero (like an elite soldier?) and a minion (a minor ranking soldier, who’s task it is to challenge the Hero of the enemy village, quite possibly there to get himself killed, in an effort to weaken the hero so that he becomes an easier target for the Warlord…? And what happens in your story is that your Minion (Tong) ends up killing the opposing village hero, makes it back to his own village (army) only to be told ‘Your FIRED!’ because he has disgraced his Warlord. He is then captured by the enemy village (army) and told that he is this villages new Hero, and that he must now face his own armies Warlord…?
1. ‘In Ancient China, a disgraced bumbling foot soldier is captured by his village’s enemy and is forced to challenge his own army’s Warlord in a fight to the death.’
2. ‘In Ancient China, after being banished for killing his Warlords opponent, a disgraced bumbling foot soldier is captured by his village’s enemy and is forced to challenge his own army’s Warlord in a fight to the death.’
3. In Ancient China, after being banished for killing his Warlords opponent, a disgraced bumbling foot soldier is captured by his village’s enemy and is forced to replace replace the vanquished opponent in a fight to the death.
whew! — that is tough. I know this is probably way far from home, definitely a mouthful — but I’ve done my best to make it clearer (I can here a unified groan from across the blog-sphere as I type this of …’yeah…right.’)
Anyway — I might have another play later — that one hurt my brain.
Really cool story though… 😉
See lessOn the run from a determined street enforcer, a young Londoner will do anything and everything to avoid capture but the enforcer has pledged to kill himself in the event of failure.
Yes -- I think you're right, maybe I am as compulsive;) I'm not 'sick and tired' of you posting, I'm sorry that's what you got from my post. You mentioned when you posted your revised logline in this thread that it was '...after a great deal of tears and heartache!', and I feel for you -- I've certaRead more
Yes — I think you’re right, maybe I am as compulsive;)
I’m not ‘sick and tired’ of you posting, I’m sorry that’s what you got from my post. You mentioned when you posted your revised logline in this thread that it was ‘…after a great deal of tears and heartache!’, and I feel for you — I’ve certainly been there having re-posted the same logline on multiple occasions. It drives you freakin insane. In fact, I ended up ditching something that I’d been working on for… well… lets just say a long time. My advice only intended to help and to point out that there was a wealth of feedback out there and probably not a lot of reason to stress,as, it might… and I say might… come down to personal taste…. and with you being the author of the completed screenplay, your personal taste.
For what it’s worth I think you’ve got a killer movie there — as you’re kind of alluding to, I find it very intriguing — one of those stories I definitely find easy to see. But in regards to the logline, and your most recent revision, I thought I’d offer up my take on all you had offered up, as well as best use what others have suggested, in a revised logline — not to stick out my tongue and say ‘nhah nhah ni nha nha…’ but to honestly help — for I see potentially very good things from this film…
You had issues with the focus being too squarely drawn on the antagonist, which your most recent iteration deals with, but I thought I’d try to make the hero more sympathetic — he doesn’t steal the suitcase in my attempt — I don’t know if he steals it or not in your film or just comes across it — to me, just coming across it paints him more sympathetically, especially if he is penniless and then decides to donate it to charity… but then, if he steals it it gives the donation a greater depth and scope — especially given what he may or may not attempt to do to himself (?). Anyway — there’s a potential great journey there for this young Londoner, and personally think leaving the fact that the enforcer is under suicidal oath (or seppuku…) is an attractive thing.
Again, I’m sorry if you thought I was too harsh — best of luck.
See lessActing in concert, objects start to refuse to be a part of bad actions for no apparent reason
OK... One question -- with all this random good stuff just 'happening for no apparent reason'... where's the drama?
OK…
One question — with all this random good stuff just ‘happening for no apparent reason’… where’s the drama?
See less