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On the run from a determined street enforcer, a young Londoner will do anything and everything to avoid capture but the enforcer has pledged to kill himself in the event of failure.
Hi kbfilmworks -- I think I understand where Richiev is coming from, in that, you have posted this logline quite a number of times, most have received a fair amount of feedback ( a couple I'd say have received A LOT), and too be perhaps a little brutal on the honesty side, I don't think they have diRead more
Hi kbfilmworks —
I think I understand where Richiev is coming from, in that, you have posted this logline quite a number of times, most have received a fair amount of feedback ( a couple I’d say have received A LOT), and too be perhaps a little brutal on the honesty side, I don’t think they have differed greatly on re-posts. Most of the feedback has been pretty consistent between commentators — so what Richiev is suggesting is that the ball might now be in your court…?
FWIW: Your most recent iteration (in bold in this thread…) I think is longer than what it needs to be — we could banter all day about loglines of more than one sentence, but given your premise I really don’t think there is a need for two sentences — and If it was my film (without having read yours…) it would go a little something like this:
“After discovering a suitcase full of money a penniless drifter decides to donate it to charity, but to do so he must outrun a Yakuza enforcer under suicidal oath to get the money back.”
— at 34 words admittedly a tad long — but I hope it helps (here “drifter” is my take at his flaw — donating the money to charity gives him an honorable goal that should deal with that flaw… but again, I don’t know the full specifics of your film, so it’s just a stab in the dark).
Best of luck.
See lessThwarted at every attempt to win over the girl of his dreams, an awkward boy (8) has to overcome his deepest fear to draw her into a magical world.
wow -- this actually sounds quite cool knowing the above (as well as your post further down the track...)... Wanting to simply 'be in her company' is a far cry from wanting to 'win' her -- definitely something to keep out of the logline. Also given the fact this is a short with no dialogue changes tRead more
wow — this actually sounds quite cool knowing the above (as well as your post further down the track…)…
Wanting to simply ‘be in her company’ is a far cry from wanting to ‘win’ her — definitely something to keep out of the logline. Also given the fact this is a short with no dialogue changes things a bit too. Sounds like a potentially beautiful little film. I love the image of him dressing in suit, like a man child — this is not cliched (IMO anyway) and seems to work really well with the theme. A visual tale of the curious budding of first love… a boy beyond his years trying to get to the bottom of these new feelings…(with the fact that he’s fatherless being a nice little cherry on top…)
…and this might sound a tad contradictory to my other post… but I can remember my first couple of crushes very vividly — my first was in pre-school — I was too shy to even speak to her but my mum knew about the crush… so she went and organised a freakin play-date with the girl via the girls mum. My mum didn’t tell me either until the girl rocked up at my house — scarred me for life! I can remember standing awkwardly with her in my backyard all “So… you like… stuff??” Later that week, at pre-school, I dealt with tmy feelings by presenting her with a gift in my small clenched hand… a live cicada! She screamed, ran away, and NEVER spoke to me again.
So yes — eight year old boys (and girls) can certainly have crushes, maybe even ‘girlfriends/ boyfriends’, but they’re not the same thing as pre-teen/ teen/ adult girlfriends/ boyfriends — and ‘winning’ implies a conquest which doesn’t suit an eight year old (and leads to thoughts of sexism etc…)
Again — the main issues to me with the original logline was the term ‘win’, which to me implied he was seeking a romantic relationship with this girl — when in fact this does not sound like the case — he is enamored by her… also ‘magical world’ which was vague… Your revised logline is much better.
Best of luck with the film and the competition!
See lessActing in concert, objects start to refuse to be a part of bad actions for no apparent reason
Definitely original and a very funny idea -- best of luck with weaving a story through it (but for the life of me I can't see Mars Attacks meets Koyaanisqatsi...?!)
Definitely original and a very funny idea — best of luck with weaving a story through it (but for the life of me I can’t see Mars Attacks meets Koyaanisqatsi…?!)
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