1. Posted: August 20, 2015In:

    After a botched robbery, two incompetent thieves must avoid the authorities and elude a serial killer who they carjacked.

    Wayne Logliner

    Looks interesting. One small thing - maybe save the best part til the end. That is the words "serial Killer"

    Looks interesting. One small thing – maybe save the best part til the end. That is the words “serial Killer”

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  2. Posted: August 11, 2015In:

    When ripped off in a car purchase a reckless guy seeks revenge, but must defend himself, his best friend and an attractive receptionist against a psychopathic car salesman.

    Wayne Logliner

    Here is attempt number 2 (putting inciting incident first): When scammed in a car purchase a reserved accountant seeks justice and inadvertently aggravates a psychotic car salesman.

    Here is attempt number 2 (putting inciting incident first):

    When scammed in a car purchase a reserved accountant seeks justice and inadvertently aggravates a psychotic car salesman.

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  3. Posted: August 11, 2015In:

    When ripped off in a car purchase a reckless guy seeks revenge, but must defend himself, his best friend and an attractive receptionist against a psychopathic car salesman.

    Wayne Logliner

    Thanks for the feedback so far. Below is my much thought-out new attempt. You are right, Mr Literal about his flaw. I originally gave him the wrong one. And Nir, I tried hard to put the inciting incident 1st but was hard to make it sound good. Any extra feedback would be awesome: When a reserved accRead more

    Thanks for the feedback so far. Below is my much thought-out new attempt.

    You are right, Mr Literal about his flaw. I originally gave him the wrong one. And Nir, I tried hard to put the inciting incident 1st but was hard to make it sound good.

    Any extra feedback would be awesome:

    When a reserved accountant seeks justice over a car rip off he inadvertently aggravates the psychotic car salesman.

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