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Clumsy kid learns to dance to stand up to bully and impress bully’s ex-girlfriend at school dance.
It would be better if you made it clear WHY he wants to impress the bully's ex girlfriend.
It would be better if you made it clear WHY he wants to impress the bully’s ex girlfriend.
See lessBased on real events, in 1984, a gay anti-apartheid activist is arrested for high treason; faced with the death penalty; he comes out to his party in prison, lobbying the ANC to amend the Constitution banning discrimination based on sexual orientation.
Looks interesting.? Too many adjectives to describe the activist.
Looks interesting.? Too many adjectives to describe the activist.
See lessIn the midst of her marriage breaking down, an alcoholic family councilor must keep the balance between her kids and her job despite her emotional upheaval.
It's better than last time.? I think it needs more fine tuning and pinpointing the elements.?? I have trouble doing that myself! Some suggestions: Mention the "emotional upheavel" at start instead of at the end.?? For example: "In the midst of an emotionally destructive marriage break up ....."? orRead more
It’s better than last time.? I think it needs more fine tuning and pinpointing the elements.?? I have trouble doing that myself!
Some suggestions:
Mention the “emotional upheavel” at start instead of at the end.?? For example: “In the midst of an emotionally destructive marriage break up …..”? or “In the midst of a debilitating marriage break up …..”
Leave the most impacting stuff for last – like the bit about her job or her kids or her alcohol addiction?? Not sure which is most important.? ? For example
Maybe end it with, “….. despite her addiction to alcohol”? (then you can give her a more interesting adjective instead of alcoholic)
Alcoholism seems to be a 3rd thing she must balance. And is the 4th thing to saving her marriage? (can be added to the extended version) 🙂
See less