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After an 18 year-old Russian Jew sends his family to Ellis Island but must remain behind because of the 1924 U.S. immigration quota law, his 5-year journey in Europe and Latin America forces him to come of age and finally dare to cross illegally in El Paso, TX to reunite with his family.
Not sure how to interpret your logline. "...an 18 year old ... sends his family..." Do you mean his wife and children? If you mean his siblings and parents, then it sounds like he was abandoned since an 18 year old was legally a child in 1924. (21 was the old age of majority.)Anyway, you can by passRead more
Not sure how to interpret your logline. “…an 18 year old … sends his family…” Do you mean his wife and children? If you mean his siblings and parents, then it sounds like he was abandoned since an 18 year old was legally a child in 1924. (21 was the old age of majority.)
Anyway, you can by pass these nagging difficulties by streamlining your logline:
When a Russian Jew is denied permission to join his family in 1924 America, he resolves to enter the country illegally, but when the Communist Party confiscates all his property, he must first tramp his way to Mexico.
See lessWhen a disgraced schoolgirl is sent home, she finds her rural outback town dying. With everything hopeless, she sets about to remake the town, fighting with corrupt politicians, billionaire mining magnets and ?apathetic ?townspeople to create a prosperous future.
"....her rural outback town is dying." is to diffuse for an inciting incident and "...to create a prosperous future." is too vague for a goal. Give your heroine a concrete goal arising from a concrete problem. Maybe she discovers that the mine has contaminated the drinking water and corrupt politiciRead more
“….her rural outback town is dying.” is to diffuse for an inciting incident and “…to create a prosperous future.” is too vague for a goal. Give your heroine a concrete goal arising from a concrete problem. Maybe she discovers that the mine has contaminated the drinking water and corrupt politicians have been covering it up. In that case a logline might look like:
When she discovers a gold mine has contaminated the drinking water in her rural outback town, a disgraced school girl must expose the politicians who are covering it up before everyone falls ill.
See lessWhen a rookie martial artist’s first covert target is to eliminate innocent children, she refuses to complete the mission and must fight the deadly forces tracking them down and find the truth of their identities.
"Rookie martial artist" generally refers to someone who is just learning a martial art. Why would such a person be sent out on a covert mission, or any mission? I suppose you mean to say something like, "When a ninja's first mission...", where ninja (or whatever term you want to use) refers to someoRead more
“Rookie martial artist” generally refers to someone who is just learning a martial art. Why would such a person be sent out on a covert mission, or any mission? I suppose you mean to say something like, “When a ninja’s first mission…”, where ninja (or whatever term you want to use) refers to someone who has completed their training.
The inciting incident lacks motivation. Why does anyone want to kill innocent children? Jason Bourne could not bring himself to kill an innocent child, but the child was not his primary target. What is special about these children that they must be killed?
The final goal stops short of victory. Your ninja wants to learn the identities of her clients? NO. Your ninja wants to kill the amoral bastards.
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