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An abused teen is suspected of murdering his bully and has 48 hours to prove his innocence before the police find out he blackmailed the bully.
As Nir says, the time frame is too arbitrary. It might take the police hours, days or weeks to trace online photos back to their source. There are too many factors at play. Furthermore, it is not clear whether the blackmailing crime helps or hurts the teenager. In the normal course of events, the peRead more
As Nir says, the time frame is too arbitrary. It might take the police hours, days or weeks to trace online photos back to their source. There are too many factors at play. Furthermore, it is not clear whether the blackmailing crime helps or hurts the teenager. In the normal course of events, the person being blackmailed would be the suspect in the blackmailer’s murder, not the other way around. After all, if you are successfully blackmailing someone, you would want them to continue paying up. Hence, if the teen were found to have been blackmailing the bully, it might make the police less likely to think he was the murderer.
See lessWhen her baby sister is taken by a dark spirit, a Chippawa girl must go on a journey to find Asibikaashi, spider women to help save her sister.
Is Asibikaashi a proper name, or just "spider woman" in another language? If the former, you can drop it as proper names don't belong in longlines. If the latter, you can drop "spider woman" and just use "the Asibikaashi". But who is the MC, the Chippawa girl or the Asibikaashi? If the Chippawa girlRead more
Is Asibikaashi a proper name, or just “spider woman” in another language? If the former, you can drop it as proper names don’t belong in longlines. If the latter, you can drop “spider woman” and just use “the Asibikaashi”.
But who is the MC, the Chippawa girl or the Asibikaashi? If the Chippawa girl, why does she need the Asibikaashi?? What help does this Asibikaashi give? Does she give the girl a dagger? A potion? Or show her the way to the dark spirits hiding place. Be specific.
On the other hand, if Asibikaashi does most of the work of saving the baby and the girl simply looks on, then Asibikaashi is the MC and you should rewrite the logline from her POV.
As Richiev says, you have an interesting idea. Now keep refining it.
See less‘Off The Grid’ After moving off the grid, bickering newlyweds accidentally kill the creepy neighbors kid and now must work together to escape the families vengeful wrath.
After their car crash kills the neighbors son, newlyweds fight for survival against the fathers lust for vengeance by befriending the red-headed step child.There are too many non-causal events and unclear relationships. How did "their" car crash kill the "neighbor's son"? Who is the "red-headed stepRead more
After their car crash kills the neighbors son, newlyweds fight for survival against the fathers lust for vengeance by befriending the red-headed step child.
There are too many non-causal events and unclear relationships. How did “their” car crash kill the “neighbor’s son”? Who is the “red-headed step son” and how will befriending him calm the “father’s lust for vengeance”?
More importantly though, why should we root for the newlyweds? Do they possess any redeeming qualities to make us prefer that they prevail over their neighbor? As it stands, the audience might prefer to see the grieving father extract his revenge (especially if he could not get the justice he sought from the the state).
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