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EricaSamurai
Posted: January 24, 20172017-01-24T12:33:11+10:00 2017-01-24T12:33:11+10:00In: Thriller

Edited logline: After being physically abused, a terrified women sets in motion her plan to trap her abusive husband after he draws a gun on her. – Short Script

Edited logline: After being physically abused, a terrified women sets in motion her plan to trap her abusive husband after he draws a gun on her. – Short Script
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    4 Reviews

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    1. Dkpough1 Uberwriter
      2017-01-24T22:44:21+10:00Added an answer on January 24, 2017 at 10:44 pm

      I don’t see loglines as being tied to one thing. Meaning I don’t think you have to make one only to sell a story, but you can make one to help yourself write one. I’ve mentioned before that I write loglines for all main characters in my stories. But only one would be the one used to sell.
      Besides, magazines that publish short stories often have a pitching process which might include a logline/elevator pitch. One thing that would help in evaluation is the length of the story. Is it a flash fiction story? Closer to a novella? Or 2000-20,000 words? ?I ask because the shorter it is, the more likely you won’t need a clear inciting incident.

      “A bewildered woman pushed to her breaking point escapes into the woods when her overbearing husband tries to kill her.”

      This is a bit vague. What pushed her to her breaking point? The inciting incident? You don’t state a clear goal. She escapes into the woods, yes, and that implies simply that she’s trying to survive. But what specifically is she trying to accomplish? Get to a hidden weapons cache in a shed? Get to the city? Is she a spy and she has to report to her superiors?

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    2. dpg Singularity
      2017-01-25T06:09:03+10:00Added an answer on January 25, 2017 at 6:09 am

      What becomes her objective goal after she runs away? ?What is she running toward (not just running away from)? ?After fleeing, what does she plan to do?

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    3. Dkpough1 Uberwriter
      2017-01-25T23:17:08+10:00Added an answer on January 25, 2017 at 11:17 pm

      Thanks for clarifying. My points still stand.
      For not giving away the ending, try hinting at it. She has to get to a hidden gun, which implied she wants to turn the tables. Something like that. Something that is still a goal but just doesn’t elaborate on what exactly she’s doing.

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    4. dpg Singularity
      2017-01-26T02:38:47+10:00Added an answer on January 26, 2017 at 2:38 am

      It’s clearer, but it could use a little more polish. ?Trap, literally? ?Trap, how? ?What is her objective? ?To trap him in the woods so that she can get her revenge? ?Or trap him so that she can turn him over to the police?

      And if his drawing a gun on her is the tipping point, the inciting incident that triggers her to take action (finally), then it needs to be at the beginning of the logline rather than the end. ?Something like:

      “When a violently abusive husband draws a gun on his wife, she…”

      Well, what? ?What does she do? ?What must she (finally) do to stop the abuse, save her life?

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