Categories: Action
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Agreed with DPG, the lack of detail in this paints a generic image of bad corporations and an innocent hero.
More so, the MC is kind of a Jesus character - perfect and incorruptible in every way. In my opinion, these kind of characters are boring and often make for cliche stories. If you change his description and give him a significant character flaw, it will give him more depth.
Character aside, the logline is a bit confusing. It sounds as if, but doesn't say that the MC is a superhero by virtue of his super brain and he escapes the clutches of a corporation that's trying to exploit him. If this is the case, you'll need to state that he is in one place then escapes and goes to another, otherwise, there is a big time jump partway through the logline. What is this new home? How did he get there? Who is this leader? What does a "...peaceful leader..." mean? Is he a pacifist?
Lastly, before what is too late? What's going to happen and to whom?
Based on iterations of the concept, I'm guessing you have an big ax to grind against BBC's - Big Bad Corporations.
So do I.? But you gotta give me reason to also want to grind an ax vicariously through actions and character arc of the protagonist.? ?Unfortunately "false promises"? is a vague inciting incident that doesn't seem? justify his response nor engage my interest and sympathy.? Exactly what was so particularly evil about the lies he was told that motivated him to turn against this BBC?? What? specific injustice has he committed that dramatically justifies his intention to destroy the company and is likely to have an audience rooting for him to succeed?
Furthermore, this version makes him a pawn of the revolutionaries:? "he is recruited by."? Well, he might have been.? But ultimately, it's his decision to joint the revolution? and the logline should be framed accordingly.? The protagonist should be proactive in joining the revolution, not a reactive pawn of others.
>>> the peaceful leader of his new home challenges him
Not sure it's necessary for the purpose of a logline.? And again, it frames him as more as a reactive agent than as a proactive agent of his own dramatic destiny.
fwiw
Based on iterations of the concept, I'm guessing you have an big ax to grind against BBC's - Big Bad Corporations.
So do I.? But you gotta give me reason to also want to grind an ax vicariously through actions and character arc of the protagonist.? ?Unfortunately "false promises"? is a vague inciting incident that doesn't seem? justify his response nor engage my interest and sympathy.? Exactly what was so particularly evil about the lies he was told that motivated him to turn against this BBC?? What? specific injustice has he committed that dramatically justifies his intention to destroy the company and is likely to have an audience rooting for him to succeed?
Furthermore, this version makes him a pawn of the revolutionaries:? "he is recruited by."? Well, he might have been.? But ultimately, it's his decision to joint the revolution? and the logline should be framed accordingly.? The protagonist should be proactive in joining the revolution, not a reactive pawn of others.
>>> the peaceful leader of his new home challenges him
Not sure it's necessary for the purpose of a logline.? And again, it frames him as more as a reactive agent than as a proactive agent of his own dramatic destiny.
fwiw
