Greg_Barnett

Logliner · 165 points

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on A 24 year-old man needs the helping hand of his ex-rival’s foul-mouthed womanizing ghost to overcome his impotence and get laid.

I love the sound of this film. The logline feels very concise and to the point and made me chuckle.
on As a ranking officer battles to keep himself and his comrades alive and sane in the final months of the great war, a chance encounter with his lost love finally brings the truth of why she disappeared with their baby girl a decade ago and inspires him to try and rekindle the life together that was so prematurely taken from them.

Thanks for your comments, I'm afraid i don't know the rule of K.I.S.S Please would you explain it to me? Also when you write weakness, is that in regards to the description of the character? Thanks
on An obese kid who suffers from junk food addiction is put on a healthy diet. As he struggles through withdrawl, he starts to hallucinate that his happy meal toys collection is coming to life, and he embarks in an adventure to save the loved one of Grimex, the most popular of his toys, from his neighbor, a bully kid who works as a delivery boy.

i think you can make this more concise. Eg: An obese boy is put on a strict health food diet and as he struggles with withdrawal from junk food he starts to hallucinate etc...
on The chronicles of Nomar Kendrapall, the dying emperor of a crumbling galactic empire, as he struggles to maintain control while his sociopathic son hatches Machiavellian schemes to usurp the throne, his rivals jockey for power, and an alien empire threatens to re-ignite an interstellar war.

I agree with both of the above comments. The last logline was engaging and precisely said what was needed whereas this one is over complicated and confusing.