The Heirloom
Lucius PaisleyLogliner
When an ancient spell book activates a cursed family heirloom, a part-time occult librarian teams up with an undead ex-cop to destroy a voodoo witchdoctor stealing souls to live forever.
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How does the curse affect the occult librarian? I think you need to include that in the logline. That would be his motivation for teaming up with the ex-cop and their mission.
As an aside, I think too often on this forum comments seem to stem from the need to vent emotionally. I know writers are a frustrated bunch but what people working on their loglines need most is constructive criticism and sugestions for improvement – not putdowns. Especially considering that a putdown often leads to a barbed response and people who live in glass houses, etc.
How does the curse affect the occult librarian? I think you need to include that in the logline. That would be his motivation for teaming up with the ex-cop and their mission.
As an aside, I think too often on this forum comments seem to stem from the need to vent emotionally. I know writers are a frustrated bunch but what people working on their loglines need most is constructive criticism and sugestions for improvement – not putdowns. Especially considering that a putdown often leads to a barbed response and people who live in glass houses, etc.
I’m not sure if this is a logline problem or a story problem, but you start with the threat (antagonist) being an ancient spell book, then you end with the threat (antagonist) being a voodoo witch doctor.
I would stick with one or the other.
—–
“When a witch doctor uses a family heirloom to steal souls, an occult librarian teams with an un-dead cop to steal back the relic and deactivate it forever.”
—–
Hope this helps, good luck with this!
I’m not sure if this is a logline problem or a story problem, but you start with the threat (antagonist) being an ancient spell book, then you end with the threat (antagonist) being a voodoo witch doctor.
I would stick with one or the other.
—–
“When a witch doctor uses a family heirloom to steal souls, an occult librarian teams with an un-dead cop to steal back the relic and deactivate it forever.”
—–
Hope this helps, good luck with this!
How is the book an antagonist? I really don’t understand how it could be, ever. But how in this instance?
How is the book an antagonist? I really don’t understand how it could be, ever. But how in this instance?
Your logline starts off ‘when and ancient spell book activates a family heirloom’
So I am thinking something like ‘Todd and the book of pure evil’
Then later in the logline you switch to a witch doctor trying to steal souls.
That seems confusing, as a result I would just stick with the witch doctor; ‘when a witch doctor activates a family heirloom’
Your logline starts off ‘when and ancient spell book activates a family heirloom’
So I am thinking something like ‘Todd and the book of pure evil’
Then later in the logline you switch to a witch doctor trying to steal souls.
That seems confusing, as a result I would just stick with the witch doctor; ‘when a witch doctor activates a family heirloom’
Perhaps giving the book and/or the heirloom more of a sense of benevolence, I think I got stuck on how much better “cursed family heirloom” sounded without thinking whether or not “cursed” can sometimes be seen as a positive attribute – the Genie in Aladdin is cursed to live his life forever in the lamp, but he has limitless power – that kind of thing.
The way I see it is the book and heirloom are merely tools that the nature of the possessor gives the aspect of a positive or negative thing – ergo, the witchdoctor is the antagonist.
However, since there is confusion to be had, I’ll concede the point. Especially since there does look to be a reason for the goal that is missing from the current logline as kbfilmworks said above.
Perhaps giving the book and/or the heirloom more of a sense of benevolence, I think I got stuck on how much better “cursed family heirloom” sounded without thinking whether or not “cursed” can sometimes be seen as a positive attribute – the Genie in Aladdin is cursed to live his life forever in the lamp, but he has limitless power – that kind of thing.
The way I see it is the book and heirloom are merely tools that the nature of the possessor gives the aspect of a positive or negative thing – ergo, the witchdoctor is the antagonist.
However, since there is confusion to be had, I’ll concede the point. Especially since there does look to be a reason for the goal that is missing from the current logline as kbfilmworks said above.
We’ll give this a shot…
When her dead mother’s body goes missing, a family heirloom links an occult librarian with an undead ex-cop to destroy the person responsible, a voodoo witchdoctor trying to live forever.
Right on 30 words, which is disappointing, but that damn pronoun game gets me every time…
We’ll give this a shot…
When her dead mother’s body goes missing, a family heirloom links an occult librarian with an undead ex-cop to destroy the person responsible, a voodoo witchdoctor trying to live forever.
Right on 30 words, which is disappointing, but that damn pronoun game gets me every time…
If you change “goes missing” to “is stolen” then “the person responsible” can be “thief” saves you a few words. Word count I don’t care to much about. If the story works it works. I have a real sense of your story now.
If you change “goes missing” to “is stolen” then “the person responsible” can be “thief” saves you a few words. Word count I don’t care to much about. If the story works it works. I have a real sense of your story now.
Excellent, that works.
I could probably get rid of ‘dead’ too, since the feeling of ‘body’ in this context could be considered ‘without life’.
Which brings it back to a more comfortable 28 words…
‘When her mother?s body is stolen, a family heirloom links an occult librarian with an undead ex-cop to destroy the thief, a voodoo witchdoctor trying to live forever.’
Excellent, that works.
I could probably get rid of ‘dead’ too, since the feeling of ‘body’ in this context could be considered ‘without life’.
Which brings it back to a more comfortable 28 words…
‘When her mother?s body is stolen, a family heirloom links an occult librarian with an undead ex-cop to destroy the thief, a voodoo witchdoctor trying to live forever.’