The Heirloom
Lucius PaisleyLogliner
When an ancient spell book activates a cursed family heirloom, a part-time occult librarian teams up with an undead ex-cop to destroy a voodoo witchdoctor stealing souls to live forever.
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Excellent, that works.
I could probably get rid of ‘dead’ too, since the feeling of ‘body’ in this context could be considered ‘without life’.
Which brings it back to a more comfortable 28 words…
‘When her mother?s body is stolen, a family heirloom links an occult librarian with an undead ex-cop to destroy the thief, a voodoo witchdoctor trying to live forever.’
Excellent, that works.
I could probably get rid of ‘dead’ too, since the feeling of ‘body’ in this context could be considered ‘without life’.
Which brings it back to a more comfortable 28 words…
‘When her mother?s body is stolen, a family heirloom links an occult librarian with an undead ex-cop to destroy the thief, a voodoo witchdoctor trying to live forever.’
If you change “goes missing” to “is stolen” then “the person responsible” can be “thief” saves you a few words. Word count I don’t care to much about. If the story works it works. I have a real sense of your story now.
If you change “goes missing” to “is stolen” then “the person responsible” can be “thief” saves you a few words. Word count I don’t care to much about. If the story works it works. I have a real sense of your story now.
We’ll give this a shot…
When her dead mother’s body goes missing, a family heirloom links an occult librarian with an undead ex-cop to destroy the person responsible, a voodoo witchdoctor trying to live forever.
Right on 30 words, which is disappointing, but that damn pronoun game gets me every time…
We’ll give this a shot…
When her dead mother’s body goes missing, a family heirloom links an occult librarian with an undead ex-cop to destroy the person responsible, a voodoo witchdoctor trying to live forever.
Right on 30 words, which is disappointing, but that damn pronoun game gets me every time…
Perhaps giving the book and/or the heirloom more of a sense of benevolence, I think I got stuck on how much better “cursed family heirloom” sounded without thinking whether or not “cursed” can sometimes be seen as a positive attribute – the Genie in Aladdin is cursed to live his life forever in the lamp, but he has limitless power – that kind of thing.
The way I see it is the book and heirloom are merely tools that the nature of the possessor gives the aspect of a positive or negative thing – ergo, the witchdoctor is the antagonist.
However, since there is confusion to be had, I’ll concede the point. Especially since there does look to be a reason for the goal that is missing from the current logline as kbfilmworks said above.
Perhaps giving the book and/or the heirloom more of a sense of benevolence, I think I got stuck on how much better “cursed family heirloom” sounded without thinking whether or not “cursed” can sometimes be seen as a positive attribute – the Genie in Aladdin is cursed to live his life forever in the lamp, but he has limitless power – that kind of thing.
The way I see it is the book and heirloom are merely tools that the nature of the possessor gives the aspect of a positive or negative thing – ergo, the witchdoctor is the antagonist.
However, since there is confusion to be had, I’ll concede the point. Especially since there does look to be a reason for the goal that is missing from the current logline as kbfilmworks said above.
Your logline starts off ‘when and ancient spell book activates a family heirloom’
So I am thinking something like ‘Todd and the book of pure evil’
Then later in the logline you switch to a witch doctor trying to steal souls.
That seems confusing, as a result I would just stick with the witch doctor; ‘when a witch doctor activates a family heirloom’
Your logline starts off ‘when and ancient spell book activates a family heirloom’
So I am thinking something like ‘Todd and the book of pure evil’
Then later in the logline you switch to a witch doctor trying to steal souls.
That seems confusing, as a result I would just stick with the witch doctor; ‘when a witch doctor activates a family heirloom’
How is the book an antagonist? I really don’t understand how it could be, ever. But how in this instance?
How is the book an antagonist? I really don’t understand how it could be, ever. But how in this instance?
I’m not sure if this is a logline problem or a story problem, but you start with the threat (antagonist) being an ancient spell book, then you end with the threat (antagonist) being a voodoo witch doctor.
I would stick with one or the other.
—–
“When a witch doctor uses a family heirloom to steal souls, an occult librarian teams with an un-dead cop to steal back the relic and deactivate it forever.”
—–
Hope this helps, good luck with this!
I’m not sure if this is a logline problem or a story problem, but you start with the threat (antagonist) being an ancient spell book, then you end with the threat (antagonist) being a voodoo witch doctor.
I would stick with one or the other.
—–
“When a witch doctor uses a family heirloom to steal souls, an occult librarian teams with an un-dead cop to steal back the relic and deactivate it forever.”
—–
Hope this helps, good luck with this!
How does the curse affect the occult librarian? I think you need to include that in the logline. That would be his motivation for teaming up with the ex-cop and their mission.
As an aside, I think too often on this forum comments seem to stem from the need to vent emotionally. I know writers are a frustrated bunch but what people working on their loglines need most is constructive criticism and sugestions for improvement – not putdowns. Especially considering that a putdown often leads to a barbed response and people who live in glass houses, etc.
How does the curse affect the occult librarian? I think you need to include that in the logline. That would be his motivation for teaming up with the ex-cop and their mission.
As an aside, I think too often on this forum comments seem to stem from the need to vent emotionally. I know writers are a frustrated bunch but what people working on their loglines need most is constructive criticism and sugestions for improvement – not putdowns. Especially considering that a putdown often leads to a barbed response and people who live in glass houses, etc.