A moving man, unaware of valuable objects in his storage, finds himself chased by mobsters on one side and the US military on the other.

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7 reviews

mrliteral · Samurai · 2,255 pts

Any main character who "finds himself" in a situation is automatically going to appear passive. It's a phrase I always advise against using -- because if the logline is presented this way, and the script plays out this way, it will not be compelling.

As was already asked: what is his goal, and what are the stakes? Present the story THAT way and it becomes active, intriguing. That's why so many people use the word "must" in their loglines...this person MUST do this thing or that bad thing will happen. Give us goals and obstacles. Give us the protagonist, antagonist, conflict, and stakes. You kind of have those things but it's vague and uninteresting. A stuntman turned mover fighting the mob and the military is definitely not uninteresting, so you just need to sculpt the story elements into a more captivating sentence.

"An out-of-work stuntman must evade the military and the mob when a part time gig as a mover unknowingly places alien artifacts and stolen cash in his possession."

Now that isn't perfect or anything, but it's the stuff we need to know to be interested. If we're wondering exactly how he got these items and when he finds out about it, we'll read the script. You don't have to tell us everything, just make us want to read more.