After being built as a cyborg by a fellow vampire, a young woman must race against time to kill vampires who tries to invade her town so that she can be human again.

INTENTION: must kill vampires so she can be human again??

OBSTACLE: vampires invading town/race against time.

After she is built as a cyborg by a fellow vampire, a young woman must kill the vampires invading her town? (because if she doesn't? she won't be human again??)

My notes:

I'd get rid of ?tries to?.?

I like the time limit/ticking clock. Great element for a concept - but not very clear why she's racing against time so she can be human again.?

Intention and obstacle are there - fine.?

There's an inciting incident - not sure if it's the right one though.

Everything is here - it's just not clear why.

Why is she racing against time?

Why does defeating vampires make her human again?

How necessary is the ?being built into a cyborg by a fellow vampire?. Isn't the inciting incident - ?vampires take the town?.

How about?

When vampires invade her hometown, a cyborg-vampire must defeat them before sunrise, in order to become human again.?

That last part - again, not sure how how? why? How does a cyborg-vampire become human again? Perhaps she has to retrieve a talisman or something?

I dunno - perhaps it's fine as it is.?

Hope this helps in some way.

Good luck!

Tony, I dig it - this is what I can "see" so far.

My hope is that you can fill in my liberties with your story, with the help of the inquiries above to make this yours.

A vampiress modified by cybernetics to perform daily work in a picturesque town must defend her newfound home after rebelling against the vampire horde.

What should the logline be? I'm confused also.