I sent out a pitch to two seperate production companies. Both passed on it. I need help writing one that will work.

Ian, is there anything else that I need to do with my pitch?

I added the rewrites you suggested.

You can read my script on scriptbuddy.com.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titanic_(disambiguation)

I am going to make the adjustments as soon as I can. That part about Liam being the ine who came up with the Submarine gave me another "what if" idea. Thanks.

Just wanted to say, that Valentin -- that took some time and effort...serious hats-off. Way beyond the usual expectations of contributors here.

Presario2200 -- Valentin gives sage advice, particularly in terms of reading screenplays, and the more like the genre(s) you want to work in the better. Look for what works... And particularly for what doesn't; then, apply that to your own work.

Read, read, and read some more.

Best of luck.

The reason why it is called the "Titanic" is because it is the world's biggest submarine at 1,601 ft. long and 13 decks.

The name of the film is Titanic: D. S. V.

Set between 2001 ? the present?; Titanic D. S. V.? mixes the following:
1. Action
2. Drama
3. Light Comedy
4. Military
5. Naval Procedural
6. Police procedural

I never said that it was going to be a two hour NCIS episode.
It is a feature film.
However, I would be willing to concider it if they ask.
I want to invite them to be in it.
If they decline, I can simply change the names of the NCIS characters and a few scenes.
I intend to use the same format that NCIS uses.
I never claimed to be a professional writer, that is why I have been asking for help.

I have read the pages that you have uploaded on http://www.scriptbuddy.com/community/?p=4291536089&t=&pg=.

Before commenting the text itself, a couple of notes.

Somewhere at the top of the synopsis, you should mention what the script is: movie, TV pilot, TV special episode, web serie, etc.

As your script is obviously a two hours special episode of NCIS, please add a reference to the show.
You should also add a disclaimer regarding the ownership of the characters as the web site http://www.scriptbuddy.com erroneously marks you as the owner.

Regarding the formatting itself, you should use the same kind of presentation that NCIS does. Here is a link to a past episode: http://leethomson.myzen.co.uk/NCIS/NCIS_6x22_-_Legend_pt1.pdf

Now on the content itself.
Please do not take it badly, but it is terrible.
You break every rules that scriptwriters are expected to follow.
It make you look amateurish and that is the last thing you want.
Like you said with regard to your submission, is that they read your synopsis and a couple of pages and decided that it was not good enough. By not following the rules, you did not even give yourself a chance.

You must have heard of the phrase "show don't tell". Here are the first sentences of your script.

[quote]
Dr. Samantha Ryan awakens from a nightmare.
Since 2012, she has tried to get her life together with the hope that her ex husband, Liam, would never come after her again.
She has a seemingly perfect life with her teenage son Parker, and a job at a private school for children of government employees.
However, Samantha is far from happy, as the tragic events from 2012 still haunt her.
[/quote]

You are telling the story, rather than showing us in a script sense.
If you want to keep things short, describe a montage. Pictures of a once happy family Dr Samantha Ryan, her husband Liam Dunham, their son (birth, 5 years birthday party, holiday ...). FBI Surveillance picture of Husband paying a hit man. Murder scene of bloody victims. Husband abusing and threatening her. Arrest of the husband taken away in handcuffed. Picture of a Witness Protection relocation folder with Dr Ryan and her son. Newspaper clip mentioning the collapse of the trial on a technicality. Picture of the husband being released, then of him and his lawyer giving a press conference.

If you want to keep the nightmare metaphor, change those sentences into the description of a real nightmare. Dr Ryan is at home cooking an apple pie for her teenage son coming home in his private school uniform. Then the husband enter and terrorise them. As he is choking them, she wakes up, screaming sweating.
SHOW, DON'T TELL.

You tend to forget to introduce characters. The second scene is a case in point of two talking heads ALLE and LIAM. Who are they? Liam was mentioned in an episode of NCIS, but I don't think that he was shown. Readers and viewers are unlikely to remember him.

In real life 80% of communication is non-verbal. Do the same in your script, give information by what the characters do or not do. Instead you use dialogue as information dump. Information should be inferred not dumped.

[quote]
PATRICK
The United Earth Defense Command
(U. E. D. C.). It is a global
coalition of countries created
following the death of Osama bin
Laden. It is connected through the
United Nations Security Council.

PATRICK
I. M. T. A. C. is our
International Multiple Threat
Alert Command.

PATRICK
It was decided through the U. N.
Security Council that a better way
was needed to fight against the
growing problem of terrorism and
piracy.

PATRICK
In order to better cross share
information with various security
agencies and countries throughout
the world, the U. E. D. C. was put
together to fill that need.
[/quote]

It looks like for sure you like your acronym.
All you had to say was:

PATRICK
Unfortunately criminals do not stop at frontier.
The United Earth Defense Command or UEDC,
is a trans-national security agency under
the command of the United Nation Security Council.
We fight mainly terrorism, cybercrime, and piracy.

Half the number of lines to give exactly the same information.
Even that rewrite could be better done via a proper dialogue between two persons.

Here is another example of information dump taken from the second scene.

[quote]
LIAM
There was a time when the ocean was one of many battlefields.
Vessels sailing the deep seas in international waters and later,
submarines under the same deep-seas.

LIAM
Well, now we have the United Earth Defense, and this is what the U.E.D. has created. Now they want more in the name of peace and harmony. We have to do something about the Titanic...

LIAM
and my lovely ex-wife.

[/quote]

All of that just to say:
On the TV show, a journalist is reporting on the maiden voyage of the new USS TITANIC. State of the art submarine.
LIAM
That submarine was my project.
They screwed me over. They will pay.
(pause)
And so will my lovely ex-wife.

BTW: do you really believe that somebody is going to name a brand new boat or submarine TITANIC again?
There are names that carry so much bad baggage that nobody in their right mind will choose them again.

If you use existing characters, make sure that the voice you give them is the same than the serie. In NCIS, DiNozzo may be a man child, and acts like some immature frat bully boy toward McGhee, but he is also very good at his job. Toward outsiders, he may be sarcastic, but he is also very professional. I can't see him joking in the presence of senior military personnel.

You need to go back to basic.
SHOW DON'T TELL: describe the action not the inner thought.
TALK DON'T DUMP: More dialogue (two peoples talking). rather than exposition.
NOT ON THE NOISE: use irony, subtlety in your dialogue rather than explicit dialogue to convey feeling.

Read the sample script and compare with yours.
Rewrite your following the same format.
Buy a book on how to write a script, because you make so many basic mistakes, it is painful to read.

I published the first twenty or so pages of my screenplay on http://www.scriptbuddy.com.
I would appreciate it if anybody could review what I did so far.
I am sure others would appreciate your thoughts as well.
This is not spam.
This is a legitimate message.
Thank you very much.

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