Categories: Public
It’s a long one sentence, I know 😕
I'm familiar with your story. Seeing it here, I am reminded of the strength of your premise. Your film promises to tell a fresh chapter in a popular story - the legend of WWII. In genre, it promises a War Action Thriller. I keep hearing how the audience currently spending the most at the cinemas are the seniors. And like Saving Private Ryan and War Horse, you have their attention. In character, sounds like there is one hero who has a lot to judge and accomplish, with huge stakes. So these are all big ticks.
To help improve your logline:
- using two sentences is fine. Your first can be as brief as 'Final days of WWII.' This will help to simplify that second longer one.
- no need to mention the pilots name. That too is using up real estate
- the key to simplifying the structure of your second sentence is when to use 'when'. You use it straight away, but you can try 'The B29 carrying the third atomic bomb to be dropped on Japan crash lands on an enemy island, and when the pilot is captured...' etc
Thank you for sharing!
Reads like a good logline. The important point is the atomic bomb which gives it the edge over other WW2 stories. So I would still mention the atomic bomb but not give away if it will be detonated. You could hint about the character of the protagonist just to add detail and work in more dramatic irony.
I agree with it52. with all the details its far to confusing. All the little details hinder, rather than help.
Also the last part about choosing to help his fellow POW's even if it means detonating the bomb, sounds a little like the conclusion. If so then this is too much information for a logline. The inciting Incident is his crashing on the island. You could next mention his attempts to escape with his fellow POW's, but leave the twist of the 'bomb possibly being detonated' out of it completely.
good luck
