Categories: Public
Stopgap
the title seems irrelevant...
the title seems irrelevant...
Is this still a Christmas story?
Assuming the story is set in the present era, a more plausible cover story for an unrecovered body would be a plane accident over the ocean.
And while the boy may be grieving and unhappy with his uncle, I don't think it qualifies as an adequate inciting incident that creates the objective goal of finding his father. All his uncle provides by taking over is to make a sad child more miserable -- more negativity. Which is good enough for inducing the kid to run away to escape his uncle.
But that's not the reason he's running away -- not the primary reason, anyway. In terms of his objective goal he's not running away to escape his uncle (negative); he's running away to find his father (positive). And he would only have that objective goal if he had reason to believe his father didn't die in the accident, that he may still be alive.
So it seems to me the inciting incident should be a discovery, a clue that gives him HOPE his father is still alive.
Is this still a Christmas story?
Assuming the story is set in the present era, a more plausible cover story for an unrecovered body would be a plane accident over the ocean.
And while the boy may be grieving and unhappy with his uncle, I don't think it qualifies as an adequate inciting incident that creates the objective goal of finding his father. All his uncle provides by taking over is to make a sad child more miserable -- more negativity. Which is good enough for inducing the kid to run away to escape his uncle.
But that's not the reason he's running away -- not the primary reason, anyway. In terms of his objective goal he's not running away to escape his uncle (negative); he's running away to find his father (positive). And he would only have that objective goal if he had reason to believe his father didn't die in the accident, that he may still be alive.
So it seems to me the inciting incident should be a discovery, a clue that gives him HOPE his father is still alive.
The elements in the V2 logline don't seem connected in a cause and effect relationship to each other. His learning of the possibility that his father is dead seems semi related to learning that his uncle wants to take possession of the property.
A good inciting incident should cause the main action the MC will take throughout the story. In my mind learning that his father may be dead would cause him to want to find him or the body not stop the uncle.
Thank you for reading my loglin/
REVISED #2 A young boy is told that his father was in a deadly train accident but his body is not found. His cruel uncle takes possession of the house so, he runs away to find answers if his father is alive or dead.
Can you say what the story's about, rather than what happens?
"After receiving a ransom note about his father's mysterious disappearance, a timid boy must search the streets of London for clues to find him before time runs out."
Probably nothing like your story, I'm sure, but hope you get the idea.
Good luck!
So the inciting incident is a note revealing that his father is still alive after the train accident?
Unfortunately, the logline doesn't make clear that there is a cause and effect relationship between the train wreck and/or the note and the quest for a magic slipper.
So the inciting incident is a note revealing that his father is still alive after the train accident?
Unfortunately, the logline doesn't make clear that there is a cause and effect relationship between the train wreck and/or the note and the quest for a magic slipper.
Thanks for the helpful comments and taking the time to read my logline.
REVISED:A boy's journey is to find his father's body involved in a train accident. He gets a note showing promise. He later finds himself in the dreads of London looking for a magic slipper.
Agreed with all of DPGs comments wanted to add that the character descriptions needs work.
Currently the Mc is described as "...an unadventurous, spoiled young boy..." with three adjectives pick one that describes a flaw for him to learn how to be better from logically this would be from the above spoiled.
His goal the father doesn't need to be "...beloved..." it feels labored and redundant, kidnapped boy wants to reunite with his father is enough to imply he loves his father.
Lastly if something is precious to a character we know nothing about we wouldn't really care for the character. So the we need to know a bit more about the girl before we read about her goal. As DPG wrote she may well not need to be in the logline all together and with the need to write more about her perhaps best to not mention her or her goal.
Hope this helps.
The logline would benefit from streamlining and refocusing. As currently stated, it seems to present 2 main characters with two different goals. The boy wants to be reunited with his father. The girl wants him to recover "something that is precious".
"Something that is precious" needs to be stated as something specific. But the fundamental issue is that the logline should focus on one main character as protagonist, another main character as antagonist (who is that in this story?) and one objective goal.
This is not to say the girl's story line doesn't belong in the story proper. But there isn't enough space to cram it in with the boy's story line. Ideally a logline should not exceed 30 words, certainly not exceed 40 words. This version is 47 words long.
And just as there should be unity in terms of the objective goal, so should there be a unity of theme. Consequently, her demand is not just a stipulation, a requisite means to his dramatic end. In some aspect it should also be thematically related to his goal (either contrasting or complementary). Which I presume there is the story. Ditto the relationship between the kidnapping and the boy's objective goal. The two should not only be causally related but also thematically related and I presume there it.
fwiw.
