Three friends become entangled in a series of mind games as they argue over what they should do when a local Sheriff comes looking for the woman they find murdered in their isolated cabin

wilsondownunder:
>> but you're certainly being a jackass

That is my defining characteristic and character flaw, alas!

I apologize for the tone of my earlier post.

But not the substance.

Regards and best wishes.

wilsondownunder:
>> but you're certainly being a jackass

That is my defining characteristic and character flaw, alas!

I apologize for the tone of my earlier post.

But not the substance.

Regards and best wishes.

I can't comment as to whether you're stupid or not but you're certainly being a jackass

wilsondownunder:

I submit that the logline is no place to play "mind games" with script readers, producers, directors, agents or actors. We have got 5 seconds, 10 at the max to correctly inform -- not confuse them -- and hook their interest. Leaving them confused or wondering on any one word is the kiss of death, all the excuse they need to reject ours idea and move on.

Not then: the casual flow of the dramatic logic in your logline seems to be:

1] three friends find a body;
2] the sheriff comes by;
3] he suspects them. (ergo that is the motivation, the trigger, the only explanation for them to become...)
4] " entangled in mind games"
5] in order to prove their innocence.

Item 3] is the plot trigger for the mind games. It explains why they get "entangled in mind games." But it's not there, not explicitly stated in your logline. I have to infer it.

(I also have to infer 5]. But if I didn't have to infer 3] if 3] were explicit then 5] would be covered.)

Now if I've got this much of your logline wrong, then either:

1] Your logline isn't clear.
or
2] I am a stupid jackass who can't figure out the "obvious" doing a 5-second, cold reading of your logline.

If you opt for 2] how confident are you that your logline will not encounter more jackasses like me in the industry stupid enough not to see "the obvious"?

wilsondownunder:

I submit that the logline is no place to play "mind games" with script readers, producers, directors, agents or actors. We have got 5 seconds, 10 at the max to correctly inform -- not confuse them -- and hook their interest. Leaving them confused or wondering on any one word is the kiss of death, all the excuse they need to reject ours idea and move on.

Not then: the casual flow of the dramatic logic in your logline seems to be:

1] three friends find a body;
2] the sheriff comes by;
3] he suspects them. (ergo that is the motivation, the trigger, the only explanation for them to become...)
4] " entangled in mind games"
5] in order to prove their innocence.

Item 3] is the plot trigger for the mind games. It explains why they get "entangled in mind games." But it's not there, not explicitly stated in your logline. I have to infer it.

(I also have to infer 5]. But if I didn't have to infer 3] if 3] were explicit then 5] would be covered.)

Now if I've got this much of your logline wrong, then either:

1] Your logline isn't clear.
or
2] I am a stupid jackass who can't figure out the "obvious" doing a 5-second, cold reading of your logline.

If you opt for 2] how confident are you that your logline will not encounter more jackasses like me in the industry stupid enough not to see "the obvious"?

No that's true. Given this story has a twist the logline is as clear as I can make it without giving too much away. I wanted it to make you think something might be afoot, which it sounds like it might have

Not so obvious from the logline. Which is all I have to go on. I can't read your mind or your pitch.

Not so obvious from the logline. Which is all I have to go on. I can't read your mind or your pitch.

Hi DPG - I guess that's the point - someone is obviously lying

And WHY are they professing their innocence if they only "found" the body. What mind games are triggered if they're not guilty?

And WHY are they professing their innocence if they only "found" the body. What mind games are triggered if they're not guilty?

Thanks Tony. You're right, grapple does come off a bit weak. I think even if I change grapple to something along the lines of argue/debate/fight it implies more conflict.

What about:

'When three close friends discover a murdered woman in their holiday cabin, friendships are thrown out the window when a nosey Sheriff turns up asking questions'

...just my play...

Hi wilsondownunder,

I like this better, but 'grapple over what they should do' feels a passive/ think you could find something stronger... Including the Sheriff lifts the drama though. I do like the sound of it.

Good luck!

Thoughts on this alternative?

Three friends become entangled in a series of mind games as they grapple over what they should do when the local Sheriff comes looking for the woman they found murdered in their isolated cabin

True. I'll have to give it some solid thought. Thanks for taking the time to offer advice

Nice (re: the edit button)...I had meant to mention in my previous reply.

That detective coming looking sounds like an important detail, and adds that extra "kick" and element of danger/intrigue. (And lets us know this isn't just 100% three guys in a cabin.)

You don't need to reveal the thing itself, you just need to (ideally cleverly or intriguingly) let us know that there is a thing...something that makes this a story we haven't seen before. (Because we have seen "mindgame-between-friends thriller" before.)

Psychological Thriller. I should have added the tag. Small cabin based environment. Remote, isolated. It grows as the victim is reported missing sparking a detective to come looking.

I discovered the edit button....comma deleted

Thanks for the feedback.

Yes, they are professing innocence to each other. At the same time each individual tries to control the situation by creating doubt and fear in the others minds. There is a twist which makes it hard to sell the whole story in the logline without giving it all away. I'll have a think about how I might hint at it though.

I noticed the comma after I hit submit. It would be good if you could edit small errors

Thanks again

...or a hint at the location/atmosphere/world that we will be seeing. (Again, is this a small cabin-based psychological thriller, or a The Usual Suspects-type manipulation yarn...are there action elements? Does it get big? I know the plot kind of, but I don't really get the tone or the world from the logline.