After being framed for assault, an indigenous basketballer from the Australian outback, must prove himself innocent before his scholarship to play for a college in the USA expires.
Categories: Drama
10 reviews
I would raise the stakes as they are not high enough (in my opinion) as it is written now. Firstly, best you specify a person whom would generally be considered as someone facing greater challenges than most people, in other words, a person of a minority background. I suggest you make the character Aboriginal Australian, this will describe the main character as an Australian without needing to specify it and it will assign him a degree of social handicap (whether true or not is irrelevant - it's the perception that matters most). This is his one chance to get a better life...
The other way you could raise the stakes is by making the crime a more severe one such as murder, and changing it so he already has the scholarship - if the deadline is for him to make it to the college by a certain date or forfeit the scholarship there's more for him to lose.
>>>It's funny you say aboriginal Australian because that's exactly what he is. I just didn't find it necessary to add into the logline as it stood.
I think it is essential, part of the story hook.
And it certainly matters when it comes to casting.
>>>It's funny you say aboriginal Australian because that's exactly what he is. I just didn't find it necessary to add into the logline as it stood.
I think it is essential, part of the story hook.
And it certainly matters when it comes to casting.
Thanks for the feedback all, and again I agree with most of what you're saying. I have put together two alternative versions based on our discussions and your quality feedback. I personally think Option 2 is where I'm heading to begin my writing as I feel Option 1 may have too much unnecessary back story. If anyone begs to differ or has an alternative version I'm open to seeing it. My only thoughts on the new versions are that we now don't know he's on the run trying to prove his innocence. Is this necessary?
Option 1
After being framed for assault, a talented Australian basketball player recently released from a small town juvenile detention must prove his innocence before a scholarship to a USA college expires. (30)
Option 2
After being framed for assault, a talented basketball player from the Australian outback, must prove his innocence before a chance to play for a college scholarship in the USA expires. (30)
"After being set up for a crime which forces him on the run,"
Can this be simplified, such as:? A vagabond basketball player...
>>Small country town Australia. But I thought it'd be too wordy cramming all that info in.
Depends on who you intend to pitch the movie to. ?If you're pitching it to Australian producers, then I guess they'll assume it's set in their country. ?Otherwise, I don't think it's safe to ?assume producers in other countries will assume the setting is Australian, even if they know that's where you're from. ? Just add ?something like "a talented basketball player from a small Australian town" ? or "a talented baskeball player from the Australian outback" if that is the case.
Which, btw, I think is better than "mind blowing" for the reasons stated above. ?And because it provides a relevant framework for the struggle the protagonist faces: ?he's a boy from small town "nowhere" struggling to make it somewhere big ,in the US of A, the epicenter of basketball.