Categories: Student Loglines
Hi! I?m creating a Logline for a Animated short movie. I appreciate your feedback
Hi alejob.
I thought I'd give this a go. I'm not sure about the ellipses. (Probably breaks some logline rule or something.)
When her drawings come alive, a little girl discovers she has no control over them, and must erase them before they become increasingly darker, more disturbing... and powerful.
Hopefully reader fills in they were dark/disturbing to begin with.
"Powerful" suggests the best is yet to come.
Great concept! I like your second revision.
It's not clear to me, though, what the stakes are in that second revision. WHY must she find a way to get rid of her disturbing art creations, and HOW are they tormenting her?
I like that the drawings are coming to life, and I'd try to keep that element. 'When her terrifying drawings come to life, a young orphan must find a way to stop her own nightmare images from killing her.' For example.
Keep it up!
(2nd revision)
When her father dies and dark drawings begin to torment her, a traumatized little girl must find a way to get rid of her disturbing art creations and find inspiration to move on with her life.
As mrliteral said. It's not clear what is supposed to happen.
"Overcome the feelings" -- feelings refer to a subjective story thread but a logline focuses on the objective story line.? And feelings are invisible; they can't be seen.? What's the visual for "overcome feelings"?
Also, every element of a logline should refer to something that can be visualized? (or at least heard); that is, a person, place, action, event or dialogue.
Given the situation, given her feelings, what must she do?? What becomes her course of action, her objective goal?
As mrliteral said. It's not clear what is supposed to happen.
"Overcome the feelings" -- feelings refer to a subjective story thread but a logline focuses on the objective story line.? And feelings are invisible; they can't be seen.? What's the visual for "overcome feelings"?
Also, every element of a logline should refer to something that can be visualized? (or at least heard); that is, a person, place, action, event or dialogue.
Given the situation, given her feelings, what must she do?? What becomes her course of action, her objective goal?
Better length and structure but still isn't clear what actually happens in the story.
(1st revision)
An emotionally traumatized little girl must overcome the feelings her disturbing drawings represent when they come alive from drawn papers to completely master her personality.
I think there is? a nucleus of an interesting idea in the logline.
But I agree with mrliteral that whatever that nucleus is needs to be brought into sharper focus.? Check out the screenwriting forluma.
I think there is? a nucleus of an interesting idea in the logline.
But I agree with mrliteral that whatever that nucleus is needs to be brought into sharper focus.? Check out the screenwriting forluma.
