by Griffyn · Showrunner · 681 pts
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Strengths Well-defined POV Clear, difficult goal Active protagonist Filmable incident Specificity Action, not decision No hedging
Needs work Stakes and urgency Causality and coherence Concision
The logline depicts a small English town vibe dotted with eccentric characters, the likes of which one would expect in The Full Monty. So, it's definitely achieving its objective on the tone front. On the plot side, the logline describes a main story to save the pub and a subplot about a father/son reconciliation. Either could be interesting, but a logline works best when describing one plot/subplot, preferably the more compelling one. Beyond that, the cause and effect connecting the events isn't clear. Losing a liquor licence doesn't directly connect with having to win a fishing competition. Sure, he needs money, but there are many other ways, likely easier ones, to get money, and it doesn't solve his long-term income problem, making this a financial band-aid at best IF he wins. And, competing against his abusive father doesn't immediately necessitate him having to control his behaviour to fish better. It seems as though these are story elements in the current draft of the narrative that are being forced to work together as opposed to being natural products of the dramatic premise. So either the story needs a fundamental overhaul or the logline needs more clarity to help us see the natural cause-and-effect relationship connecting all its components.
Not sure what a "publican" is and likely too obscure a term for a logline. A fishing contest always seemed absurd to me, but I have concerns (knowing how dull fishing is) about what we would be watching. But I like these types of comedies and would watch. Condense it a bit more. Very close.
The logline has cohesiveness .You should outline it.
Strengths Filmable incident Stakes and urgency No hedging
Needs work Concision
The logline has a potentially interesting comic premise, but I think it could benefit from trimming. The core of the plot seems to be something like: "A neurotic, cash-strapped publican must win a fishing competition cash prize to keep his pub." (15 words)
It's a situation comedy wherein the plot is driven and complications arise from character flaws, human foibles.
The story premise pits the neurotic comedy character trope (the publican) against the bitch/bastard comedy character trope (his abusive father).
The dramatic crisis seems to be that without a liquor license the pub is a money losing business so he will have to close it.
BUT it's already a money losing business, right? Why does he have so many unpaid bills? Is it because he has another character flaw, to wit, he's a lousy at managing money? Or...?
The protagonist can be a character of many flaws. But what is the primary flaw driving the plot, the comedy?
Finally, if his inability to manage money is a major flaw that has gotten him in so much trouble, then it seems that winning the fish tournament will only delay inevitable insolvency because of the flaw. Is there a relationship with another character that will deal with that flaw? A best mate? Or better yet, a girl friend?
