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  1. Posted: April 8, 2018In: Thriller

    A vengeful young woman with a grudge about being conceived by anonymous sperm donation tracks down her biological father, who is now a successful gynaecologist, and plots with her scheming mother to take the place of his wife and daughter.

    variable Uberwriter
    Added an answer on April 8, 2018 at 2:48 am

    The way i see it, the gynaecologist is your protagonist "After her vengeful daughter tracks him from the sperm bank, a successful man must save his family from his newfound kin and her scheming mother" How they can achieve it remains a mystery to me. Because--let's face it--what is the worst that caRead more

    The way i see it, the gynaecologist is your protagonist

    “After her vengeful daughter tracks him from the sperm bank, a successful man must save his family from his newfound kin and her scheming mother”

    How they can achieve it remains a mystery to me.
    Because–let’s face it–what is the worst that can happen? Even if the conspiring duo kill his real family, they still cannot make their place with him.
    Also her grudge seems amateur to begin with.

    Do you like doofus antagonist or someone with a strong philosophy (like the joker) ?

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  2. Posted: April 8, 2018In: Thriller

    A female vampire tracks a serial killer before he strikes again, pursued by both a police woman, vampire hunters and a victim from a hundred years ago bent on vengeance. As the net closes she must both face her past and save a young woman targeted as his next victim.

    variable Uberwriter
    Added an answer on April 8, 2018 at 2:30 am

    You mentioned a century old victim, which means the targeted young woman can not be family to the female vampire. Since she would have outlived all possible family in 100 years. So WHY she aims to protect the young woman (the serial killer's next target?) is unclear She's chased down by three segmenRead more

    You mentioned a century old victim, which means the targeted young woman can not be family to the female vampire.
    Since she would have outlived all possible family in 100 years.
    So WHY she aims to protect the young woman (the serial killer’s next target?) is unclear

    She’s chased down by three segments:
    police, vampire hunters and a victim
    Which seems useless

    Why she doesn’t take care of the vampire hunters (in her own way) remains a mystery to me.
    I don’t know why they are even mentioned here..

    Unless they have their respective places in the plot, I’d suggest you mix and match to create more interesting characters, like-
    1. A Vampire cop (her victim disguised as a cop leading the search against her) or
    2. Vampire hunter cop (human cop known for his traditional ways to deal with the mysterious cases)

    One thing’s for sure
    The serial killer is your antagonist
    But are you sure he can handle a vampire headed his way?
    For all I know he’s still a wimpy human to me and the day he meets the vampire, your story will come to an end.
    If he’s smart enough to evade her at each step….well, why would anyone watch something so un-cinematic?

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  3. Posted: April 7, 2018In: Family

    Revised: After a magical species abducts their parents, to transform them into their evil emperors, their twins must find and rescue them in time.

    variable Uberwriter
    Added an answer on April 8, 2018 at 2:02 am

    So, When their unwary parents are abducted and made rulers of the Dark-Elves, a defiant teenager must navigate the surreal realm with his nerd twin, along with their pets and an android I dropped the "assimilate" bit, since I (still) don't get it Also, 1. "along with their pets and an android" is aRead more

    So,
    When their unwary parents are abducted and made rulers of the Dark-Elves, a defiant teenager must navigate the surreal realm with his nerd twin, along with their pets and an android

    I dropped the “assimilate” bit, since I (still) don’t get it

    Also,
    1. “along with their pets and an android” is a detail you don’t need in your logline (sounds fun to explore in your story though)
    2. I’m not too keen on the “navigate” bit. It’s a vague action (you know, “an objective goal”…)

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