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Wanting to go legit a young drug dealer must do one last run to rescue her sister being held hostage by her boss; knowing she be going to be killed.
'?The world is a better place without me in it?." Who's going to take care of her sister? Are the parents still around? Because if not, Amy letting herself die is just leaving her 13 year old sister to fend for herself. I still think you need a better reason for the boss kidnapping the sister. BecauRead more
‘?The world is a better place without me in it?.”
Who’s going to take care of her sister? Are the parents still around? Because if not, Amy letting herself die is just leaving her 13 year old sister to fend for herself.
I still think you need a better reason for the boss kidnapping the sister. Because it sounds like Amy doesn’t know her boss suspects her. So why would he show his hand and do something like kidnapping her sister? If she were working the cops, then all she has to do is tell them he has her sister, and bam, a kidnapping charge, whether or not they can get him on anything else.
So I think the one thing you need to think about is giving Doug a solid reason for kidnapping the sister.
As for reading your script, I would but I haven’t been finding the time to read lately because I am working on writing my own script and planning a novel.
On a last note, has anyone else been on the Amazon Studios program? It seems like a really cool option for screenwriters.
See lessWhen his buddies desert him in law-enforced territory, a fast-talking space pirate hitches a ride with an underpaid traffic officer to retrieve his precious loot.
"You seem to have the wrong inciting incident." It seems to me that his friends steal it as they desert him. Unless I'm misreading it? "When his buddies desert him in law-enforced territory, a fast-talking space pirate hitches a ride with an underpaid traffic officer to retrieve his precious loot."Read more
“You seem to have the wrong inciting incident.”
It seems to me that his friends steal it as they desert him. Unless I’m misreading it?
“When his buddies desert him in law-enforced territory, a fast-talking space pirate hitches a ride with an underpaid traffic officer to retrieve his precious loot.”
The only real problem I’m seeing is a lack of motivation for the traffic officer. Why would he supposedly go off course of his job to give a stranger a ride? Is it because he’s bored and he’s underpaid and wants some adventure? I think an adjective for the officer could help. By law-enforced do you mean heavily policed? If the place is lawless, it should be describe, if it is heavily policed, described, normalized policing? No need. “Law-enforced” is a bit unclear.
You leave the setting a bit too vague. You say he is a space pirate, but is the story set in space? Is he left on a planet, is he deserted in deep space? That could help, just not too much.
Example:?After his friends take his cargo and?leave him for the police, a suave space pirate convinces a curious, underpaid traffic officer to give him a ride so he can retrieve his loot.?(~33 words)
See less(REVISED) When an antisocial apocalypse ?prepper? is the only person in her small town uninfected by a virus transmitted through the trial of a ?telepathic phone?, she must stop preparing for the world?s end and start saving it.
"When an antisocial apocalypse ?prepper? is the only person in her small town uninfected by a virus transmitted through the trial of a ?telepathic phone?, she must stop preparing for the world?s end and start saving it."What is a telepathic phone? A phone that uses to telepathy to operate, a phone tRead more
“When an antisocial apocalypse ?prepper? is the only person in her small town uninfected by a virus transmitted through the trial of a ?telepathic phone?, she must stop preparing for the world?s end and start saving it.”
What is a telepathic phone? A phone that uses to telepathy to operate, a phone that allows people to communicate telepathically? Since this is not something we have, it needs to be explained. ?But why not just leave it out? It doesn’t add anything but an intrigue factor. It may be essential to the story, but it doesn’t seem to add much to the logline.
I’m not sure you need to include ‘antisocial’. A doomsday prepper suggests antisocial qualities.
You don’t mention a specific goal. Or a method for achieving her goal.
Example:?When a virus infects everyone in a small town except for an apocalypse prepper, she?must use her hoarded resources to stop the spread of the virus.?(~27 words)
My example has a goal: To stop the spread of the virus.?
See lessA method: By using the supplies she’s gathered.?