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An ambitious reporter determined to fast-track her career manipulates a masked vigilante to create her stories.
This logline is too vague. How does she manipulate the vigilante? What does she manipulate the vigilante into doing? Maybe it's just me, but to me "ambitious reporter" implies that she wants the big scoop, to rise up through the ranks, willing to do quite a bit to do. I'm just not sure "determined tRead more
This logline is too vague. How does she manipulate the vigilante? What does she manipulate the vigilante into doing?
See lessMaybe it’s just me, but to me “ambitious reporter” implies that she wants the big scoop, to rise up through the ranks, willing to do quite a bit to do. I’m just not sure “determined to fast-track her career” is necessary and could removed to shorter the logline.
My suggestion: An ambitious reporter blackmails a masked vigilante to fight fake criminals in order to get new stories. (~17 words)
I used the fake criminals part because you don’t specify in your logline. I think this logline is alright without an inciting incident, but perhaps one could help.
Something like: When an ambitious reporter’s job is threatened by the competition she must blackmail a masked vigilante into fighting fake criminals in order to create new stories. (~26 words)
This gives an actual, relatable reason for the reporter to do what she’s doing, because her job is in danger and she’s desperate.
Hope this helps.
When a solitary 11 year old 3D prints himself, he must defend his ?twin? against a dodgy businessman who will go to any lengths to get his hands on the clone, including kidnap, blackmail and murder.
I think the problem with the logline is that you make 3d printing people almost sound normal, so it brings up the question of why the businessman wants the clone if he could make his own. I have two versions that I'm trying to define the antagonist's goal a bit more. #1: After a boy clones himself uRead more
I think the problem with the logline is that you make 3d printing people almost sound normal, so it brings up the question of why the businessman wants the clone if he could make his own.
See lessI have two versions that I’m trying to define the antagonist’s goal a bit more.
#1: After a boy clones himself using 3D printing, he has to keep his clone safe from a businessman seeking the way to make a clone army.(~26 words)
This gives the businessman a clear goal, and the protagonist a good reason to want to keep it out of his hands, and I also specifically mention 3D printing because the businessman is searching for method of cloning.
#2: After a boy clones himself, he has to keep his clone safe from a businessman looking to make clone slaves.(~20 words.)
I don’t mention the 3D printing in this version because while it is interesting it isn’t relevant. The antagonist has a clear goal- to make clones for slave labor. In fact, going this way, it could even help to mention that the businessman’s company is failing and they need a way to save money-free labor, giving the antagonist a desperation, a drive to see his company thrive, so he’ll go to any length.
Hope this helps.
When a young man converts to Islam for the love of a girl, he finds his life thrown into chaos when the mentor he befriended ends up being a terrorist, intent on bombing a train -with him omboard.
Again, his girlfriend and conversion to Islam have no impact on the logline as you state you. While it may be important in the film, it is only adding seemingly unnecessary words to the logline. To me, the only thing even bringing up Islam seems like Muslim=terrorism. Which obviously all Muslims areRead more
Again, his girlfriend and conversion to Islam have no impact on the logline as you state you. While it may be important in the film, it is only adding seemingly unnecessary words to the logline. To me, the only thing even bringing up Islam seems like Muslim=terrorism. Which obviously all Muslims aren’t, but you’re associating terrorism and Islam in the logline. Of course, you’re character turns out to be a hero, but still there is that connection.
See lessAs for the plot described in the logline only happening later in the film-what does the beginning include? If it is this man converting to Islam, while I am interested in other cultures and such, I(and many other moviegoers/tv viewers) wouldn’t really want watch something about a man becoming a Muslim(I would be content with looking up how this is accomplished or asking someone)
It just seems to me that since this is described as thriller, there isn’t much of anything interesting that could hold 30 min of the film. Were it classified as a drama, then perhaps showing and building a relationship between the mentor and MC would suffice, and then lead to the betrayal being that much more impactful to the viewer, but even then 30 or so minutes seems a large chunk of a 2 hour or less film to do this, especially since the logline describes the real action, rather than focusing on the drama of the piece.
My suggestion: After his trusted mentor puts him on a train with a bomb, a young Muslim must disarm it before it kills the passengers.(~23 words)
Just a thought, but there a lot of films/tv shows that feature someone with no training having to defuse a bomb/negotiate hostage taker,etc… But this film has a unique element-the fact that the mentor betrayed the MC. So I think it would interesting to start the film with the bomb part, having the MC live, and then have the bulk of the film be about the MC confronting his mentor and dealing with the betrayal, making the film more emotional.
Just my two cents.