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Posted: May 1, 2016In: SciFi

When a bio-terrorist’s engineered plague infects a superhero, he breaks out of prison to create a cure for the woman he loves.

Dkpough1 Uberwriter

Added an answer on May 5, 2016 at 11:28 am

>"I?m not sure why this needs a ?superhero?" It doesn't really 'need' a superhero, but that's the world that she lives in. One with heroes and villains. >", how about making the engineered plague the thing which gives the superhero his powers.?Thus, in order to save the woman he loves, he woulRead more

>”I?m not sure why this needs a ?superhero?”
It doesn’t really ‘need’ a superhero, but that’s the world that she lives in. One with heroes and villains.
>”, how about making the engineered plague the thing which gives the superhero his powers.?Thus, in order to save the woman he loves, he would have to lose his superpowers.”
That changes the story. The story is about a woman who fell in love with a superhero, one of the world’s greatest, and then an action she did causes him to only have 3 days to live. The woman then goes to any length to save him. And besides, the plague was created for a purpose that is completely different from what you suggest. (not that you could know from this logline).
So, again, it’s not the superhero’s story, it’s the story of a woman who is trying to redeem herself, because she let herself become one very villains he had to stop.

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Posted: May 3, 2016In: SciFi

Hundreds of years into the future, when war erupts between a terrorist organization and all the countries of the world, a naive, talented, orphan, unknowingly made to kill, is dragged into the war and forced to confront the harsh realities of war by piloting a deadly machine to bring peace to the world while protecting the ones who are important to him.

Dkpough1 Uberwriter

Added an answer on May 3, 2016 at 6:46 am

First, too long. Aim for under 30 words. Only include descriptions of the MC if they are important to the logline, which in this case I suppose 'naive' could, but 'talented' is vague. Could you perhaps change the inciting incident to simply, "When a new world war starts"? Is "made to kill" really neRead more

First, too long. Aim for under 30 words.
Only include descriptions of the MC if they are important to the logline, which in this case I suppose ‘naive’ could, but ‘talented’ is vague.
Could you perhaps change the inciting incident to simply, “When a new world war starts”?
Is “made to kill” really necessary? If he’s forced into war, then most likely he’s going to have to face “the realities of war”, which is vague as well, but would include having to kill someone. And how does he not know that he’s killed someone?
I have an example using elements from your logline, but it isn’t your story because I’ve changed a few things.
When a new world war starts, a young orphan is drafted as a pilot assigned to a special mission to eliminate the terrorist group that started the war.
This example is 28 words long. It has an inciting incident(war starting), the MC clearly defined, as you did as well, a clear goal(eliminate terrorist group). However, the MC himself has no real goal or emotional drive in this logline, but in your version you say that he does it to protect his loved ones, while I modified it to him being drafted. Also, absent from my version are real stakes(which you say in your by mentioning his loved ones, and the fact that they could be killed.)
I just wanted to give you an example of a simple logline, but make sure to include the MC’s personal stakes as well, and don’t put too much exposition in to it.

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