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Thanks all for the help. Re working it now.
Yes, it would, but in your revision you do not state that she was attacked by aliens. Her being hunted by aliens is treated as an ongoing action. While goals are implied, her goal does not drive the plot. My suggestion is: "When an orphan is attacked by aliens, she discovers (something) that leads tRead more
Yes, it would, but in your revision you do not state that she was attacked by aliens. Her being hunted by aliens is treated as an ongoing action. While goals are implied, her goal does not drive the plot.
See lessMy suggestion is: “When an orphan is attacked by aliens, she discovers (something) that leads to her finding the family she’s been searching for her entire life.” At least something along those lines, but my suggestion isn’t good enough, it just includes the things I’ve been saying you should include in yours.
When a bio-terrorist’s engineered plague infects a superhero, he breaks out of prison to create a cure for the woman he loves.
The story is not about the superhero, it's about the bio-terrorist who is trying to save her, so describing the superhero would take attention away from the protagonist, the "bad guy" terrorist. I see what you're saying Erica, it could be interrupted as him trying to save someone other than the supeRead more
The story is not about the superhero, it’s about the bio-terrorist who is trying to save her, so describing the superhero would take attention away from the protagonist, the “bad guy” terrorist. I see what you’re saying Erica, it could be interrupted as him trying to save someone other than the superhero. But I’m not quite sure how to reword that yet.
See lessAn undercover officer with a cocaine addiction infiltrates a gang of drug runners, and a blood bath ensues when a heist goes wrong and a rival cartel hunts them down for revenge.
The most obvious problem with this is that it isn't unique. There are so many cop shows and undercover cops. This logline makes it seem like just a regular day in an undercop's career. What is the cop's goal? What makes this case special enough that it deserves to be written? What causes this cop toRead more
The most obvious problem with this is that it isn’t unique. There are so many cop shows and undercover cops. This logline makes it seem like just a regular day in an undercop’s career.
See lessWhat is the cop’s goal? What makes this case special enough that it deserves to be written? What causes this cop to take this case? You start with the MC, and then it’s almost like the story shifts to another perspective. The MC should drive the plot, should have a goal. What is the inciting incident that starts this story?