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When his wife and daughter are both kidnapped and held in different locations, an emotionally stunted man must choose which one to save in a race against time.
Just to cut some words, "held in different locations" could be "separated". Honestly, I think it could be smoother if you don't even specifically mention that they are separated, because by saying that he has to choose implies that they are in different locations, or that he would only be able to saRead more
Just to cut some words, “held in different locations” could be “separated”. Honestly, I think it could be smoother if you don’t even specifically mention that they are separated, because by saying that he has to choose implies that they are in different locations, or that he would only be able to save one of them because the other would get killed, etc.
See lessI agree with the previous reviews, “emotionally stunted” is too vague. I think just saying “veteran” or something would establish that 1) he has the skills to be able to rescue them in the first place, and 2) he probably has some form of trauma from combat.
While you say “in a race against time,” you never mention an action that the antagonists would commit. While it is implied that they’d be killed, it just seemed kind of odd to me. Maybe you could mention some kind of ransom or at a delivered threat?
When a archeology student learns his mentor has been killed after he discovered the garden of eden he must stop an eccentric billionaire from turning the tree of knowledge into a drug for the wealthy.
This sounds like a very interesting concept. However, the one thing it lacks is a true reason for the story. It gives no reason for why this student would try to stop this billionaire. Does he want it for himself? How does he even have the means to stop the billionaire? One other thing, the fact thaRead more
This sounds like a very interesting concept. However, the one thing it lacks is a true reason for the story. It gives no reason for why this student would try to stop this billionaire. Does he want it for himself? How does he even have the means to stop the billionaire?
See lessOne other thing, the fact that he is an archaeology student seems to add nothing to this logline, so I suggest you take it out.
When a superhero is infected with his engineered plague, her ex-boyfriend escapes from prison to steal from a military lab and create a cure before the woman he loves dies in three days.
You guys have given me some great feedback. Some of the points you bring up are things that I question to remove, though. Ex-boyfriend: I feel the MC needs some connection to the superhero, and establishing it this way gives him a plausible reason to still be in love with her, rather than possibly bRead more
You guys have given me some great feedback. Some of the points you bring up are things that I question to remove, though.
See lessEx-boyfriend: I feel the MC needs some connection to the superhero, and establishing it this way gives him a plausible reason to still be in love with her, rather than possibly being some convict obsessed with a superhero, which could create other implications for the story.
3 days: This gives him a reason that he needs to break out of prison right now, rather than next week or a year from now or waiting to be released. It puts him up a against a clock, since there is no real antagonist mentioned.
For now, to me it makes more sense to keep those in rather than remove them. I have no new revision yet.