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When his estranged sister is found dead, a drug addicted private investigator teams up with an android police detective to solve the mystery why she ordered an AI to kill her.
A?very interesting idea, and you've improved a lot from the previous logline. I agree with dpg, you make the case personal by making it his sister, ?but then when you say estranged, it honestly just kind of brings too many questions into the logline. If they're no longer close, why would he take theRead more
A?very interesting idea, and you’ve improved a lot from the previous logline.
See lessI agree with dpg, you make the case personal by making it his sister, ?but then when you say estranged, it honestly just kind of brings too many questions into the logline. If they’re no longer close, why would he take the case? Also, I think you should just cut out the addiction part because right now it doesn’t seem to add much, unless you turned it into a situation where his addiction usually gets in the way of his job and he puts it aside to solve this case, or if his addiction will interfere with this job, which would serve to add to the MC’s character.
Some suggestions to cut some more words to get it under 30:
-“Teams up with” to “works with”
-Remove “estranged” as I said above.
-“found dead” to “murdered”
-For the logline it will probably just be best to cut “drug addicted” ?all together.
-Possibly cut “police” and just say “android detective”
-“to solve the mystery why” to “figure out why” or maybe “learn why”, a couple of different options there.
If you want to, I suppose you could add, “In a futuristic world” but I do think that the implication of the latter part may be sufficient. Or perhaps even say, “When his sister is murdered by an android” or something.
Like dpg said, strong concept.
When a 16-year-old delinquent in a Tibetan refugee camp is recognized by the Dalai Lama as a reincarnated spritual leader, he finds himself a stranger in his own life.
Oh, well in that case "16-year-old" can be shortened to 'teenage', to reduce it to 1 word. But the point is, is it really common knowledge about this stuff? If someone were to walk up to me and say, "Dalai Lama," it would have no significance to me, because while I have heard of it before, I have neRead more
Oh, well in that case “16-year-old” can be shortened to ‘teenage’, to reduce it to 1 word. But the point is, is it really common knowledge about this stuff? If someone were to walk up to me and say, “Dalai Lama,” it would have no significance to me, because while I have heard of it before, I have never looked into and I didn’t know what a Dalai Lama is until I just looked it up. So, while to someone who knows about it means something, what about others? Is it that important in the logline ?that it is the Dalai Lama who discovers this person? Or could you just simply cut it out, saying “when he is discovered as a reincarnated spiritual leader” and leave out who discovers him altogether?
See lessSince anyone who knows about this stuff would know that it is because you mention Tibetan, I don’t think you need to specifically mention the Dalai Lama, but you still avoid putting stuff in that isn’t common knowledge.
When a 16-year-old delinquent in a Tibetan refugee camp is recognized by the Dalai Lama as a reincarnated spritual leader, he finds himself a stranger in his own life.
I don't think his age really matters. Besides, delinquent implies that he is young. Saying "A delinquent Tibetan refugee" is more concise. And honestly I'm not sure the Dalai Lama is important either, so: When a delinquent Tibetan refugee is recognized as a reincarnated spiritual leader". A good staRead more
I don’t think his age really matters. Besides, delinquent implies that he is young. Saying “A delinquent Tibetan refugee” is more concise. And honestly I’m not sure the Dalai Lama is important either, so: When a delinquent Tibetan refugee is recognized as a reincarnated spiritual leader”.
See lessA good start, you have an inciting incident, but going off of the original post, what causes him to feel like a stranger in his own life? Adding the direct action after the inciting incident would help. Is he isolated, is he treated better than his family? What happens? Looking at your second version, it looks like he is isolated, but rather than say “monastic”(I admit I had to look up, because I’ve never even heard of that word) simply say that he is isolated in a strict environment. There seems to be no conflict in the story, you mention him having to reexamine his ideas, but there are no stakes. Is there an antagonist, or perhaps he tries to fight against the strict nature forced upon him by his culture?
However, I do find the idea fascinating. That’s all I can think of for now.