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A drunken priest joins forces with a theater director to create a new religion, pushing his successful Church Of Bingo into battle with all denominations for disciples.
What makes these two decide to create a new religion? What is the inciting incident? What stakes do they have, what do they gain by creating this religion and what would they lose if it fails?
What makes these two decide to create a new religion? What is the inciting incident? What stakes do they have, what do they gain by creating this religion and what would they lose if it fails?
See lessIn a world where most jobs have been taken over by AI’s, a drug addicted private investigator is hired to help an android detective solve a murder case that threatens the very foundations of society.
While you say that this case threatens the foundations of society, which are stakes, what does the P.I have interest in it for? The last part raises more questions than it should, because ?it is impersonal and nonspecific. What are the stakes? Does this case somehow lead to a group that is planningRead more
While you say that this case threatens the foundations of society, which are stakes, what does the P.I have interest in it for? The last part raises more questions than it should, because ?it is impersonal and nonspecific. What are the stakes? Does this case somehow lead to a group that is planning to shut down the AIs society is so dependent on, and they murdered someone to cover it up? Be more specific. While technically the MC being hired is an inciting incident, I think describing the murder would be more effective. Also, I think the first part can go, because you mention androids later and it is just extra exposition.
See lessSo my suggestion is: When someone(are they an important person? Why does this murder drive the MC to take this case?) is murdered, an addict P.I (what makes them so special? Are they on Holmes level of investigation? Why the MC and not a police detective?) is hired to help an android solve the case. (Then if you choose you could add the catastrophic event that would happen if this ?case were not solved. )
Remember, aim for less than 30 words.
When a group of Sth African migrant teenagers go on a road trip they have an accident that leaves one the boys paralysed from the waist down but when the parents of the injured boy engage in a legal battle against the young driver it divides a community in a gripping saga of tradegy and triumph.
First, it is too long, and as said before it doesn't hook a potential viewer in. It should be less than 30 words, and in my opinion, the whole first part could be cut as stated by CMathias and the suggestion there is good.("When a road accident leaves their son paralyzed, the determined parents engaRead more
First, it is too long, and as said before it doesn’t hook a potential viewer in. It should be less than 30 words, and in my opinion, the whole first part could be cut as stated by CMathias and the suggestion there is good.(“When a road accident leaves their son paralyzed, the determined parents engage…”). Honestly, looking at it cutting the first and last parts out would probably do, you’re really just trying to explain too much. So: “When a road accident leaves their son paralyzed, the determined parents engage” in a legal battle against the young driver it divides a community.
See lessBut I think that there should be more emotion in that, so maybe mention that the parents are poor, or need the money if their son is ever going to walk again, otherwise it just seems like the parents are suing an inexperienced driver so they can get some money, which makes it harder to root for them. And make sure to state a clear protagonist, if it is the injured boy or the parents. And you possibly even antagonize the young driver, maybe saying that he’s a reckless rich kid who doesn’t care whom he hurts.
Anyway, aim for less than 30 words.