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A rewrite: When a young Muslim emigrant woman finds love with a Norwegian man, her betrothed vows to stop them at all costs.
Hi, please post revisions of a logline on one thread, at least for a while. Who is the protagonist of the story? If it is the man engaged to her(I'm guessing an arranged marriage?) then he will lack empathy, making it more difficult for the audience to get invested into the story. If it's the woman,Read more
Hi, please post revisions of a logline on one thread, at least for a while.
Who is the protagonist of the story? If it is the man engaged to her(I’m guessing an arranged marriage?) then he will lack empathy, making it more difficult for the audience to get invested into the story. If it’s the woman, describe her objective goal, not the man’s. So what is that goal? What does she want to do? And how does she go about pursuing that goal? What is the inciting incident which makes her pursue it? It should be a specific, singular event. Such as the betrothed attacking the Norwegian man.
Example:?After she is attacked by her betrothed for falling in love with a Norwegian native, a young Muslim immigrant must stop him from killing the man she loves.?(28)
My example is vague because you haven’t described an action she does. Why doesn’t she just call the police? Are they in an isolated area somewhere? What skills does she have that allow her to stand up to this man? This loglines more specifics, but otherwise I think you have an interesting story with a nice hook.
See lessI hope this helps.
When a self-absorbed desert-trawling truckie falls for a devoted mother and city writer online, he must take responsibility for his own son, before winning her heart or losing his last chance for true love.
Him starting out as self-absorbed is a part of the character arc. Perhaps you don't have to put it in the logline but it seems an important part of the arc. What does taking responsibility for his own son mean? What do we see on screen? Describe a visual action. How does taking care of his son win oRead more
Him starting out as self-absorbed is a part of the character arc. Perhaps you don’t have to put it in the logline but it seems an important part of the arc. What does taking responsibility for his own son mean? What do we see on screen? Describe a visual action. How does taking care of his son win over the girl?
As for Russell’s version, if he is the child’s father, than how would he be orphaned? I’m guessing you mean his step parents are dead. The last part doesn’t make sense, the inciting incident wouldn’t logically lead to that. It would make sense for him to take in his son.
The most important thing, though. What is the hook? I generally stay away from romance films, but from this logline attempt there is nothing that stands out, that is unique or different, or raises any particular interest. It seems just another film where a guy wants the girl, the girl resists the guy, and then the guy finds a way to win the girl in the end. Is there some twist, something you can change or add that will draw interest?
See lessA logline is used to pitch to producers, to people who have the money to invest in your story and make it into a film. How will your logline get your script read?
A woman suffering from PTSD receives an experimental treatment to forget the haunting memories of her childhood abduction. When an unforeseen visitor from her past re-enters her life, sinister memories begin to resurface, threatening her sanity.
"A woman suffering from PTSD receives an experimental treatment to forget the haunting memories of her childhood abduction. When an unforeseen visitor from her past re-enters her life, sinister memories begin to resurface, threatening her sanity." The beginning is just backstory. It can be shortenedRead more
“A woman suffering from PTSD receives an experimental treatment to forget the haunting memories of her childhood abduction. When an unforeseen visitor from her past re-enters her life, sinister memories begin to resurface, threatening her sanity.”
The beginning is just backstory. It can be shortened and placed into the main action of the logline. Which brings up the questions: What is her goal? What does she try to accomplish during the story? What is the main action of the story? You list it as thriller, what brings the thrills, the suspense? What does this person from her past do, specifically which starts the story? Does he attack her? The last part is also unnecessary, describe the action of the story, the visuals, what we’d see on screen.
See lessTake a look at the Formula tab at the top of the page for more general information.