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When the Abyss Men – the third generation of subatlantic colonists – return to the surface, starting a war with the native tribes, a reckless young woman from one of the most violent tribes is ready to do whatever it takes to keep her little sister safe – both from the Abyss Men and her own tribe.
Patricia, First off, I come to this site to help others develop their loglines, and in doing so I believe I have a much better grasp on stories and how to write loglines. So I recommend reviewing other people's loglines, studying them and trying to identify what works and what doesn't. Try going toRead more
Patricia,
First off, I come to this site to help others develop their loglines, and in doing so I believe I have a much better grasp on stories and how to write loglines. So I recommend reviewing other people’s loglines, studying them and trying to identify what works and what doesn’t. Try going to the Examples tab and looking through loglines of released films and tv shows, maybe even read the scripts or watch them and decide for yourself if the logline fits. I for one haven’t posted many loglines, but any feedback on my latest one is welcome.
Anyway, as DPG said that is quite a bit of background. And it’s obvious that you’ve spent a great deal of time on it. But film is a visual medium, so if you choose to keep your story the direction it’s going, then don’t tell the audience that background. Just show it, give little glimpses. Only give a few lines of dialogue to explain some things. That brings to mind an excellent film: Children of Men. It doesn’t just tell the audience everything, the world feels lived in and has a history that the audience slowly fills in themselves. There’s an excellent Nerdwriter video about it. (even though Children of Men doesn’t have nearly that much background and history to it.)
See lessAs for the logline, in short, what is her goal? Ask yourself, at the end of the climax, what has she achieved or failed at? And how does she go about pursuing that goal? Is the goal to stop the war, protect her sister? Focus the logline, and the script, on one goal.
I hope this helps.
When the Abyss Men – the third generation of subatlantic colonists – return to the surface, starting a war with the native tribes, a reckless young woman from one of the most violent tribes is ready to do whatever it takes to keep her little sister safe – both from the Abyss Men and her own tribe.
"When the Abyss Men ? the third generation of subatlantic colonists ? return to the surface, starting a war with the native tribes, a reckless young woman from one of the most violent tribes is ready to do whatever it takes to keep her little sister safe ? both from the Abyss Men and her own tribe."Read more
“When the Abyss Men ? the third generation of subatlantic colonists ? return to the surface, starting a war with the native tribes, a reckless young woman from one of the most violent tribes is ready to do whatever it takes to keep her little sister safe ? both from the Abyss Men and her own tribe.” (57 words)
When is this story set? The logline suffers from including too much background and not enough specific description of the main character. She isn’t even mentioned until about halfway through the logline.
“When the Abyss Men ? the third generation of subatlantic colonists ? return to the surface, starting a war with the native tribes,” can be turned into a specific event. Do they bomb a building? Also, don’t include the names of groups or people unless they are something apart of a pre-existing franchise or are a historical figure.
” a reckless young woman from one of the most violent tribes is ready to do whatever it takes to keep her little sister safe”
This may sound like it is descriptive but it is quite vague. I’m guessing she fights. Does she have to learn to fight? Does she have special skills or powers? Does she have a unique weapon? What does keeping her little sister safe mean, in a definitive, specific, and visual way on the screen? Does she have to escort her sister to her parents? It needs to be more specific.
On a positive note, this story’s premise has me very interested. It has a cool hook.
Here’s an example, with me using elements from your logline:?When a subatlantic colony attacks her surface tribe, a reckless women must fight off soldiers from both sides to escort her sister to her uncle’s fortress?in the north.?(29 words)
While this may not be your story, but I tried to include all of my suggestions in my example, but mostly I was trying to cut the word count down . Though I have another, rather than describing the main character as a “reckless young woman” describe her occupation, or a set of skills which will aid her in the story.
See lessGood luck with this story and I hope this helps.
When a young girl with special brain abilities finally escapes her prison, she?s seen as a weapon of mass destruction by both sides of a rebellion ? but she?s just searching for peace.
"When a young girl with special brain abilities finally escapes her prison, she?s seen as a weapon of mass destruction by both sides of a rebellion ? but she?s just searching for peace." Where is the story set? Is it futuristic? Is it a government prison? What kind of brain abilities? Telepathy or tRead more
“When a young girl with special brain abilities finally escapes her prison, she?s seen as a weapon of mass destruction by both sides of a rebellion ? but she?s just searching for peace.”
Where is the story set? Is it futuristic? Is it a government prison? What kind of brain abilities? Telepathy or telekinesis? Something else? What’s her specific goal? Does she want to find a safe haven? Find her friend? She needs a specific goal. ?In other words, “she’s just searching for peace” is vague, so how does it translate into a specific,?visual?goal?
Also, check out the Formula tab at the top of the page if you want more general infomation.
See lessHope this helps.