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A teenage Jewish boy in a Nazi death camp sets out to keep the promise of love with Hitler’s daughter despite the horrid Nazism they face.
This version of the logline still suffers from vague descriptions. What is this promise of love? What does that mean? What is his goal? What is the goal that can be visually depicted on a screen? What event causes him to pursue this goal?
This version of the logline still suffers from vague descriptions. What is this promise of love? What does that mean? What is his goal? What is the goal that can be visually depicted on a screen? What event causes him to pursue this goal?
See lessWhen a mysterious stranger thwarts a sophisticated attempt on her life, an isolated mathematical genius must leave behind everything she knows to flee cross-country with her new-found protector in search of clues to the motives and identities of her would-be assassins.
"When a mysterious stranger thwarts a sophisticated attempt on her life, an isolated mathematical genius must leave behind everything she knows to flee cross-country with her new-found protector in search of clues to the motives and identities of her would-be assassins." (41 words) So what exactly iRead more
“When a mysterious stranger thwarts a sophisticated attempt on her life, an isolated mathematical genius must leave behind everything she knows to flee cross-country with her new-found protector in search of clues to the motives and identities of her would-be assassins.” (41 words)
So what exactly is her goal? What does she intend to do once she’s discovered the identities and motives of these assassins?
I think you add a little too much description. Here’s an example, just cutting out some of the unnecessary words.
After an attempt on her life is thwarted, an isolated mathematical genius must flee cross-country with her new companion to investigate the people trying to kill her. (27)
I have a few questions that don’t need to be answered in the logline, but I’m asking you because you should know. What is the motivation of the mysterious stranger? Why is he/she helping her?
Also, what is the motivation of the antagonists? Why do they want her dead?
Something I do for my stories is to create a logline from the antagonist’s perspective, to flesh out their motivation. I also do it for any of the major supporting characters in the story.
The biggest problem I see is that your logline doesn’t present and show off a hook. What makes this story special, unique? If a producer were presented with two loglines for thriller concepts, what would make them want to read your script over the other? Find the hook, the something interesting and put it front and center in the logline. So it can hook the reader.
I hope this helps.
See lessA hardcore gamer meets the girl of his dreams who just so happens to hold the key to his inexplicable fear of the dark.
"A hardcore gamer meets the girl of his dreams, who just so happens to hold the key to his inexplicable fear of the dark." A logline describes a plot. As a result of meeting this girl, what does the main character set as his goal? How is this a horror movie? Check the Formula tab for information onRead more
“A hardcore gamer meets the girl of his dreams, who just so happens to hold the key to his inexplicable fear of the dark.”
A logline describes a plot. As a result of meeting this girl, what does the main character set as his goal? How is this a horror movie?
Check the Formula tab for information on writing a logline.
See less