1. Posted: December 14, 2013In:

    Able to wink only, paralyzed, but slowly recovering man agrees to sexual plays with a jealous nurse, but now he has to fight his helplessness, as he must stop her before she kills him and his family.

    dpg Singularity

    I think the premise has possibilities. But the logline raises as many questions in my mind as it answers. Such as: Why would the nurse be jealous of a paralyzed man? How could he communicate to her about sex -- let alone engage in it -- when he's 99.9% paralyzed? And while the hanky-panky may be a pRead more

    I think the premise has possibilities. But the logline raises as many questions in my mind as it answers. Such as:

    Why would the nurse be jealous of a paralyzed man?

    How could he communicate to her about sex — let alone engage in it — when he’s 99.9% paralyzed?

    And while the hanky-panky may be a part of they story, I’m not sure it’s necessary to include in the logline. A logline should focus on the principal action which is murder, not sex.

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  2. Posted: December 13, 2013In:

    As the year of the four blood moon approaches archivist director of a University discovers an ancient prophecy foretelling the rebuilding of Solomon?s temple and the discovery of the Ark of covenant but when Zadok?s manuscript is stolen he must accept the mystery between Yahweh and his chosen before the temple construction is abolished by an ancient brotherhood.

    dpg Singularity

    This is not an easy logline for me to understand. I am afraid it puzzles more than informs. (Others' mileage may vary.) "Four blood moon". Is that a typo? Should it read "four blood moons". In any event, what does it mean? "The mystery between Yahweh and his chosen " -- what does that mean? "By an aRead more

    This is not an easy logline for me to understand. I am afraid it puzzles more than informs. (Others’ mileage may vary.)

    “Four blood moon”. Is that a typo? Should it read “four blood moons”. In any event, what does it mean?

    “The mystery between Yahweh and his chosen ” — what does that mean?

    “By an ancient brotherhood” — what does that refer to?

    And I don’t see what is unique or new about key elements:
    “Discovery of the ark” — “Raiders of the Lost Ark” has already been there, done that.
    “Prophecy foretelling the rebuilding of Solomon?s temple ” — that’s not a radical new prophecy. That’s what the Bible has predicted for over 2,000 years.

    Whatever the story is supposed to be about, the protagonist seems to more passive than active and there is no clear statement of his objective goal. What does he want to do after discovering the prophecy? What is his objective goal? Who opposes him? What is at stake? What does he stand to gain if he succeeds? What does he stand to lose if he fails?

    Sorry, I can’t provide more constructive feedback. I just can’t make heads or tails of the concept.

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  3. Posted: December 8, 2013In:

    After being lost at sea in the Bermuda Triangle and then finding themselves in an otherworldly gallery of paintings that become portals to strange worlds and other dimensions, will an unlikely group of teen misfits be able to band together long enough to find the door that leads them home, or will the sinister evil that brought them to this new reality keep them entrapped there forever?

    dpg Singularity

    God.rains & imluvdbyjesus: I prefer to respond to your revised logline line here in order to maintain the continuity of the discussion thread. (If you choose, you should be able to revise the logline at the top of this thread and delete the other one.) So: Transported with a group of his peers to anRead more

    God.rains & imluvdbyjesus:

    I prefer to respond to your revised logline line here in order to maintain the continuity of the discussion thread. (If you choose, you should be able to revise the logline at the top of this thread and delete the other one.)

    So:

    Transported with a group of his peers to an otherworldly gallery of paintings that become portals to strange worlds, an unpopular teen must overcome his insecurities and lead this band of misfits back home before the sinister evil that brought them here entraps them forever

    Okay, now you’ve identified a protagonist. But what’s the big deal about the kind of portals — why do the portals have to be “otherworldly gallery of paintings”?

    And of all the people of all ages traveling through the Bermuda triangle, why are these kids targeted to be entrapped by the sinister evil? Why doesn’t the sinister evil entrap a boat load of, say, retirees on a Caribbean cruise? Or a boat full of Haitians trying to escape poverty and start a new life in the United States? Why are the teenagers so “lucky” to be singled out?

    Finally, are you aware of the “Hero’s Journey” paradigm as applied to plotting?

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