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Intelligent, yet emotionally broken and poor WWI veteran is laughed out of the room when he applies jobs at large banks during the 1920s boom, until he finds a mentor in the head of a near-bankrupt bank who gives him a job and helps him hone his trading skills before the Crash of ?29, when the hero executes a series of very complex trades, designed to take down each of the banks which underestimated him, one by one.
Nice concept, but way too wordy. Cut it back to under 25 words for a cleaner, clearer logline. I'd suggest figuring out exactly what's most important to the protagonist, as well as what's standing in his way, and using that to rework the logline.
Nice concept, but way too wordy. Cut it back to under 25 words for a cleaner, clearer logline. I’d suggest figuring out exactly what’s most important to the protagonist, as well as what’s standing in his way, and using that to rework the logline.
See lessTwo Missionaries traveling from door to door on their mission of good must now fight for their lives when they knock on the wrong door riddled with evil.
Not bad - gives a decent picture of what the movie will be about, the genre and tone, and the characters. Even so, I think you could tighten it up a bit, ie, "Two missionaries must fight for their lives when they knock on a door riddled with evil". I'm making a literal assumption that it's the doorRead more
Not bad – gives a decent picture of what the movie will be about, the genre and tone, and the characters.
Even so, I think you could tighten it up a bit, ie, “Two missionaries must fight for their lives when they knock on a door riddled with evil”. I’m making a literal assumption that it’s the door that’s riddled with evil – not whatever’s behind it. If not, make it clearer.
I’d also like to know which of the two missionaries is the more important – which one carries the story’s theme?
See less"Two world-class cage fighters find themselves entangled in a secret, gay love affair with one another. Risking all they?ve battled for, with devastating consequences and a powerful climax."
Hi jamesmichael, The premise is interesting, but I'd like to know which of the cage fighters carries the theme and what's standing in their way. The stakes seem to be pretty clear - they're in a relationship that's looked upon as a 'bad thing' in the circle of people they generally associate with. BRead more
Hi jamesmichael,
The premise is interesting, but I’d like to know which of the cage fighters carries the theme and what’s standing in their way. The stakes seem to be pretty clear – they’re in a relationship that’s looked upon as a ‘bad thing’ in the circle of people they generally associate with. But what’s at stake? What exactly are they risking? Their careers? Friendships? Status?
Otherwise, I’d recommend removing the part about ‘devastating consequences’ and a ‘powerful climax’ – if it didn’t have these to some degree I’d be surprised. If it’s a tragedy however, it’s not quite clear enough as you could just as easily be referring to the ‘darkest hour/all is lost’ aspect of the story.
Hope this is useful.
Cheers
See lessChris