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With crime running rampant in Los Angeles, a rookie DA begins receiving unsolicited advice from the ghost of famed prosecutor DA J. Miles Lenny as they both fight to bring justice to the southland.
I agree with the previous commentary: -avoid character names (here's why: http://www.raindance.org/10-tips-for-writing-loglines/) -I miss a clear inciting event. There must be one if you have written the first episode, you just have to identify it and include it in the logline. If the meeting with tRead more
I agree with the previous commentary:
-avoid character names (here’s why: http://www.raindance.org/10-tips-for-writing-loglines/)
-I miss a clear inciting event. There must be one if you have written the first episode, you just have to identify it and include it in the logline.
If the meeting with the ghost is the inciting event:
See less“When a rookie DA begins receiving unsolicited advice from the ghost of famed prosecutor, _________”
then what happens? They seek criminals togheter? This can’t work in my opinion because the inciting event actually HELPS the main character, so it’s cool, no problems, no conflict, no irony. I imagine that this “unsolicited advice” create problems so give us some elements to better understand the story.
Maybe it’s better to focus on a specific case.
Two brothers, Logan and Michael, are forced to fight against the Irish Mafia due to their father’s debt.
Hello, your logline is short and this is very good but you need some more work. Usually in loglines you don't use character names, here's why: http://www.raindance.org/10-tips-for-writing-loglines/ You need to add some details like a one word description for the main characters (the 2 brothers - orRead more
Hello,
your logline is short and this is very good but you need some more work.
Usually in loglines you don’t use character names, here’s why: http://www.raindance.org/10-tips-for-writing-loglines/
You need to add some details like a one word description for the main characters (the 2 brothers – or maybe only one is the main character – why 2? this is not clear).
“are forced”, this is a very frequent expression in loglines and quite always it doesn’t mean anything: forced by what? If I take litterarly your logline it seems that your characters are passive and this is usually not good in a logline. Give a clear goal to your characters.
See lessWith crime at an all time high in Los Angeles a rookie DA begins receiving unsolicited advice from the ghost of famed prosecutor DA J. Miles Lenny as they fight to bring justice to the southland.
"After finding an old journal", I think this can't qualify as inciting event. It seems to me that you are trying to describe a context more than a story. The story would be a specific case. I like the mix of courtroom and paranormal anyway (but I still need a story where this mix can express its potRead more
“After finding an old journal”, I think this can’t qualify as inciting event. It seems to me that you are trying to describe a context more than a story. The story would be a specific case. I like the mix of courtroom and paranormal anyway (but I still need a story where this mix can express its potential).
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