1. Posted: May 1, 2015In:

    When a self-centered youth's family is captured by an invading army, he trains as a knight before setting out to rescue them. As the kingdom teeters on the brink of collapse, the fate of both his family and kingdom depend upon a single decision. (Improved – hopefully)

    FFF Mentor

    Yes it's getting better! I agree that "self centered" is not good - it's difficult to connect to the character. What do you think of: When the family of a pacific youth is captured by an invading army, he must take the oath of a knight in order to rescue them.? In fact in a movie there is always anRead more

    Yes it’s getting better!

    I agree that “self centered” is not good – it’s difficult to connect to the character.

    What do you think of:
    When the family of a pacific youth is captured by an invading army, he must take the oath of a knight in order to rescue them.?

    In fact in a movie there is always an internal conflict (like overcome his nature) and an external conflict (beat the enemy) – I think you’re supposed to put only the external conflict in the logline.

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  2. Posted: May 2, 2015In:

    Rudderless since returning from the Gulf, a sardonic veteran's hapless life gets a bump when he befriends a youth in need of a mentor, but in order to save his budding relationship with his young protege's mom he must shed his old skin and become the man everyone, including himself, needs him to be.

    FFF Mentor

    Hello, the movie can be interesting, for the logline I reiterate the comment above: it would be better to avoid backstory (the Gulf), make it shorter and clearer, focus on the main goal, and give a better descritption of the plot. What is the inciting event? I strongly suggest to try to include someRead more

    Hello, the movie can be interesting,
    for the logline I reiterate the comment above: it would be better to avoid backstory (the Gulf), make it shorter and clearer, focus on the main goal, and give a better descritption of the plot. What is the inciting event?
    I strongly suggest to try to include some fun in the logline, because in reading it I thought of it as a very serious movie like Gran Torino. Where’s the irony? What generates the fun in your comedy?

    I don’t know if any of this is true to your story but i suggest something like :

    “When his new friendship with a young fragile boy is jeopardized, a sardonic tough veteran must shed his old skin to truly become his mentor.”

    or

    “When a sardonic tough veteran befriends a young fragile boy, he must shed his old skin if he wants to truly become his mentor.”

    Good luck with the contest

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  3. Posted: May 2, 2015In:

    After she finds divorce papers, a desperate make-up artist goes to extreme measures to turn herself into her husbands ideal woman, but when she discovers that he actually dreams of becoming a woman she has to face what is really keeping them together.

    FFF Mentor

    Hello, the story has a potential but I reiterate the comments above: you have to choose what story is the main story and write the logline consequently. It seems to me that there are two possibilities. A. inciting event: divorce papers second act: how to become his perfect woman thanks to her make uRead more

    Hello,
    the story has a potential but I reiterate the comments above: you have to choose what story is the main story and write the logline consequently. It seems to me that there are two possibilities.

    A.
    inciting event: divorce papers
    second act: how to become his perfect woman thanks to her make up abilities
    resolution: he wants to turn into a woman
    In this case the logline should avoid the resolution but you should include what is the problem she encouters in the second act (without spoiling the resolution)

    B.
    inciting event: her husband whant to turn into a woman
    second act: how she will use her make up artist abilities? To turn her into a man?
    resolution: she decides to turn completely into a man and love him as a woman or she learns that she has to give up and find a new man?

    The two possibilities are interesting. B is very original but hard to write. A needs to find something to build interest in the second act.

    Good luck with “Squeeze”!

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