1. Posted: October 9, 2015In:

    When a distrusting security consultant finds a phone and inadvertently reads a text containing a random set of numbers, he must quickly uncover their meaning when he’s made a target by a mysterious group who seem to be able to predict his movements.

    FFF Mentor

    Hello, I would cut "random"... we don't know if it's random or if the numbers means something so it's better not to state that they're random. I would cut?"inadvertently" because it's irrelevant. You say "quickly" but you could tell why exacltly (or just avoid it). I say this very often, I don't knoRead more

    Hello,

    I would cut “random”… we don’t know if it’s random or if the numbers means something so it’s better not to state that they’re random.

    I would cut?”inadvertently” because it’s irrelevant.

    You say “quickly” but you could tell why exacltly (or just avoid it).

    I say this very often, I don’t know if it’s just me, but I hate the word mysterious in a logline: you should build the mystery not tell the reader that it’s a mystery. What makes this “group” mysterious?

    “When a distrusting security consultant finds a phone with a text containing a set of numbers,?he must understand their meaning to escape the attacks of people who are be able to predict his movements.”

    I’m sure that when you will dig you story a little more, the logline will become more readable and smooth.

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  2. Posted: October 9, 2015In:

    When a woman one day realizes that she sees herself from her husband’s mind, she panicked and looking feverishly for a way out of his brain.

    FFF Mentor

    Hello, I like the idea, clever, original. I would avoid "one day" (it's vague and obvious), and she panicked (this is a quick action that doesn't deserve to be in the logline). You should change "woman" for?a detailed character (what is her work? her flow? her characteristic the most important in thRead more

    Hello,
    I like the idea, clever, original.

    I would avoid “one day” (it’s vague and obvious), and she panicked (this is a quick action that doesn’t deserve to be in the logline).

    You should change “woman” for?a detailed character (what is her work? her flow? her characteristic the most important in the plot?).
    I would pick “a shallow housewife”. So the character arc is clear (from shallow housewife who sees hersel from her housband’s p.o.v to a self conscious active indipendent woman).

    “When a shallow housewife?realizes that she sees herself from her husband?s mind, she looks feverishly for a way out of his brain”.

    Maybe if you can visualize what makes the woman understand her initial situation. And give us a clue about how, visually, she act to free herself from her condition.

    I imagine this movie in a spike jones style, surreal, with images that reflects the woman’s thoughts. It could be a very powerul angle.

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  3. Posted: October 6, 2015In:

    DIRTY LAUNDRY: Under the influence of her new washing machine, a shy single woman seeks pleasure in her dirtiest fantasies while dreaming of having a family.

    FFF Mentor

    Thanks for the feedback?! I have a full outline for this one and 2/3 of the script (70 pages) - I just need a full week end to close the first draft. it is an existential horror in the mood of Haneke movies, there will be a descent into hell?for the main character, there will be blood and killings,Read more

    Thanks for the feedback?!

    I have a full outline for this one and 2/3 of the script (70 pages) – I just need a full week end to close the first draft.

    it is an existential horror in the mood of Haneke movies, there will be a descent into hell?for the main character, there will be blood and killings, but most of the movie is just a psychological drama so I decided not to stress the horror element in the logline.

    The relationship between the main character and the machine is an intimate one, something like?the love for the car in “Christine”; the laundromat would be more appropriate for another movie?I can see where it may go.

    There will be some funny scenes at the beginning for exemple a mad plumber who sells the machine, but the main mood is drama.

    I’ll watch Click! I was thinkin more about L.A.Story where Steve Martin talks to a freeway sign.

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