Hello,

I appreciate the rewriting (I remember a previous version where everythin was too vague) but I think that this logline fail to tell the most important thing: ‘what happens?’ – where is the source of conflict?.

I pesonally don’t like?sentences as “navigate the intricacies of their relationships” and “its likely there will be some casualties along the way”, because they’re too vague.

“The brotherhood is about to become the Fatherhood” is excellent for a teaser or tag line but in my opinion this kind of sentence have no reason to be in a logline.

It’s very difficult o write loglines for ‘low concept’ movies, movies where everything is in the dialogues, characters and relationships. A way to package this kind of movies is to wrap the concept in a clear goal oriented structure, create an external and a clear source of conflict. Or at least confine the situation.

Something like:

“Turning 40 the same month, four longtimes friends struggle to keep their brotherhood alive under the pressure of becoming fathers”.

I don’t know if it’s good, but what I tried to do is to build a starting point (the 40 bithday) and to suggest a conflict (friendship vs family). I think this can implies that “there will be some casualties along the way”.

The more I read loglines on this website, the more I convinced myself that a “but” in the middle of a logline always fails to build a true one sentence crystal clear concept.

What plot point put the story in motion? The finding of the phone? The finding of the text? Or when he try to “expose the truth” (you need to tell exaclty how he try to expose the truth… telling the police? telling a journalist? telling his boss?)?
In the logline I like when there’s a clear plot point- of course in the movie there will be many reversal and reveals etc but a good logline have only one clear inciting event.
Then you state the goal/stakes and main conflict.

This kind of sentence “finds a phone that contains a set of numbers that appear to correlate to a series of” is extremely HEAVY. Ask yourself exactly what put the story in motion. Chose ONE clear simple element.

“when a?paranoid security consultant ?finds the phone numbers of seven terrorists, he become the main target of all of them and must…”
What he must DO? Not just escape. Not vaguely “find the truth”. Something precise, clear.

When dealing with paranoia and things that may be real or not, I think in a logline is better to present things as real. The fact they are not real or that we don’t really know until the end will be the pleasure of the movie.

Well theese are my thoughts, as a fan of the genre I appreciate your loglines which always try to find a new angle on the subject. I just think you should try to build something more solid and make simple what it’s complicate. Very hard!