1. Posted: October 18, 2015In:

    Possessed by an angel, a reclusive student is forced to track down the host of an escaped demon and exorcise it before he becomes its next victim.

    FFF Mentor

    Hello, I like it! I just feel a little contractidiction between track down the demon and becoming his victim... ?I suggest to cut the "before he becomes his next?victim". I'm not fully confortable with the "forced by an angel" - who is your main character, the reclusive student or the angel? If yourRead more

    Hello, I like it!

    I just feel a little contractidiction between track down the demon and becoming his victim… ?I suggest to cut the “before he becomes his next?victim”.
    I’m not fully confortable with the “forced by an angel” – who is your main character, the reclusive student or the angel? If your main character is the student i wouldn’t use the word forced or you’ll have a passive character. If the student is just a flesh vehicle for the angel, then write the logline with the angel as a main character. ?Or, the angel and the student share the same body, and this could generate conflict maybe but mostly confusion (how do you show, visually, this struggle between the student and the angel)? Remember of the fail of “the host” by Niccol, where an alien mind and a human mind share the same body.

    Good luck!

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: October 13, 2015In:

    Bored with his isolated and monotonous life, an apathetic psychologist decides to intentionally go crazy by killing someone at random, believing that if the guilt doesn’t make him go crazy, the asylum to where he will be sent for having no reason for his cruel act will.

    FFF Mentor

    I like the goal, I like the idea. Hello, there is a very good movie vaguely related to his idea: Edmond http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0443496/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_38 I think that the final part of the logline could be cut ("believing that if the guilt doesn?t make him go crazy, the asylum to where he wilRead more

    I like the goal, I like the idea.

    Hello, there is a very good movie vaguely related to his idea: Edmond
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0443496/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_38

    I think that the final part of the logline could be cut (“believing that if the guilt doesn?t make him go crazy, the asylum to where he will be sent for having no reason for his cruel act will”), because it’s explanation instead of plot.

    You could also find a precise inciting event that put the story in motion (be bored is a bit vague)… Can you think of a visuel event that can make the character realize how bored he is? Maybe his mother dies and he feels nothing (like in “the stranger” by Camus that you should read to get inspiration).

    Then you need to find a clear source of conflict… what force opposes to his plan? He’s bored, he stabs to death the first person on the street, end of the story?

    Find an inciting event, find a source of conflict and you’ll have a very good logline!

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: October 11, 2015In:

    When a lonely woman get bitten by a mysterious werewolf one late night she needs to find the person who did it to find out how to break the spell before she herself turns into a monster.

    FFF Mentor

    I agree about cutting "mysterious": it means nothing. I would cut "one late night" too because it's not relevant to the plot. I would cut "the person", in a logline the shorter the better.

    I agree about cutting “mysterious”: it means nothing.
    I would cut “one late night” too because it’s not relevant to the plot.
    I would cut “the person”, in a logline the shorter the better.

    See less
    • 0