1. Posted: October 9, 2015In:

    When a poor shoemaker in a small town finds a hammer that fixes everything, he start to fix things in exchange ofmoney, but people comes back with their things broken again, and he realise the spell doesn’t last forever, and only works one time, so he start to fix the things with his bare hands.

    FFF Mentor

    Hello, this is interesting, I just think that you have to resume this in a logline. You don't have to give away the whole story, you should just give the reader the source of the main conflict that fuels the story. When a poor shoemaker finds a magic hammer that fixes everything,?he... Avoid to useRead more

    Hello, this is interesting,
    I just think that you have to resume this in a logline.
    You don’t have to give away the whole story, you should just give the reader the source of the main conflict that fuels the story.

    When a poor shoemaker finds a magic hammer that fixes everything,?he…

    Avoid to use “but” because this is a way to put 2 sentences together: you have to come up with on real sentence.

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  2. Posted: October 9, 2015In:

    When a young woman finds out she is a prototype for factory-made humans she needs to run away from her creators who has decided to erase her due to production errors.

    FFF Mentor

    Hello, what put the story in motion? when she learns she's a robot? She's a factory-made human? Can you say this in a simple way? This is not clear. The fact that it's a prototype is not really relevant here. Or the story starts when she discover that they are planning to terminate her? It seems likRead more

    Hello,

    what put the story in motion? when she learns she’s a robot? She’s a factory-made human? Can you say this in a simple way? This is not clear. The fact that it’s a prototype is not really relevant here.
    Or the story starts when she discover that they are planning to terminate her? It seems like the most important thing is that she’ll be killed so the first part becomes useless in the logline. You have to make a decision: is this a movie about a robot/cloned woman who must escape from death or the crysis of her identity? It’s just a matter of choice, to write a clean logline – in the movie she can learn later that she’ll be terminated. What you have to decide is what put the story in motion.

    ‘young woman’ is vague. I recommend you to spend a few hours more on your logline to define a character. You’ll be able to change it later but when you say ‘a young woman’ you’re a 100% sure that it’s too vague to work.

    ‘production errors’ is vague.

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  3. Posted: October 9, 2015In:

    When a young man accidently gets admitted to a beauty contest for women, he has to pretend to be a woman in order to reach his dream of winning a beauty contest.

    FFF Mentor

    I like this one. Try to give a better description of the main character (a young man is so vague). Maybe you can try to imagine?who's the character who would be the more unconfortable in womans clothes like ?the chauvinist?in tootsie. ?But maybe you can pick a handsome gay and the movie could be aboRead more

    I like this one.

    Try to give a better description of the main character (a young man is so vague). Maybe you can try to imagine?who’s the character who would be the more unconfortable in womans clothes like ?the chauvinist?in tootsie. ?But maybe you can pick a handsome gay and the movie could be about his right to be or become a woman. Anyway, some decisions are needed about the character.

    “When a handsome fashion designer accidently gets admitted to a beauty contest for women, he has to pretend to be a woman to reach his dream of winning a beauty contest”.

    You should also avoid repeating “beauty contest” twice in one sentence.

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