Sorry but I prefer the original, above. I like the voice. It’s got a playfulness about it that makes me want to see the film. A voice of its own.

Well done!

You’ve got the goal, the enemy, the stakes, the ticking clock… it’s all there.

I agree try to cut if you can, but the 25 – 27 word count rule can be broken and often is. Some say 3 sentences or less.

However, they say High Concept can be stated in one sentence. I’d say this is high concept.

We can ‘to the orphanage’ as we can presume getting home is to an orphanage. I changed space ship to ‘toy’ to avoid repetition and to keep the childlike flavor and kept the sentence in the active present tense.

So:

For a dare a naive orphan boards a legendary space ship to steal a souvenir but he must get back before dinner or the bullies who dared him are smash his favorite toy to pieces.

Take what you will… 🙂

Love the concept.