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  1. Posted: May 10, 2017In: Drama

    A desperate, talented rocker strikes a deal with someone worse than the devil: her father, in a last effort attempt to keep her rock star dreams alive.

    Foxtrot25 Uberwriter
    Added an answer on May 10, 2017 at 10:08 pm

    How is her father worse than the devil? Is this known to the reader somehow? If she is talented, then her hard work should pay off eventually on its own, why is this evil father important to her story and how is he the obstacle?

    How is her father worse than the devil? Is this known to the reader somehow? If she is talented, then her hard work should pay off eventually on its own, why is this evil father important to her story and how is he the obstacle?

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  2. Posted: May 10, 2017In: Sports

    A disgraced golf prodigy, scratching out a living hustling lessons, fights for the comeback of a lifetime to prove to his son, a gifted guitarist, that he is not a failure, and to keep his fractured family together.

    Foxtrot25 Uberwriter
    Added an answer on May 10, 2017 at 10:03 pm

    Take a step back and look at the many issues you present to the reader here. It reads like a chain of events with little flow. So we got a ?golf prodigy who is somehow disgraced. How does that happen? He caught sleeping with his ?underage caddy or something? He now gives golf lessons. Is that so disRead more

    Take a step back and look at the many issues you present to the reader here. It reads like a chain of events with little flow.

    So we got a ?golf prodigy who is somehow disgraced. How does that happen? He caught sleeping with his ?underage caddy or something? He now gives golf lessons. Is that so disgraceful?

    Comeback of a lifetime? In golf? How intense is that for an audience? You must elaborate on that more.

    Now he has this gifted guitarist of a son that he must prove himself to? This guy has tons of great things going for him in his life, how is that so life altering or challenging?

    Oh, by the way, his family is fractured.

    Sorry to sound condescending, but just shouting a list of pseudo problems does not make a story that an audience would want to get behind behind and root for. It sounds more like life.

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  3. Posted: May 9, 2017In: SciFi

    Abducted by unmanned alien research vessel, a short-fused alcoholic plumber must escape their superior technology before it leaves our world forever.

    Foxtrot25 Uberwriter
    Added an answer on May 9, 2017 at 9:47 pm

    Mentioning that it's unmanned shouldn't be included in the logline because it reveals something. On the plus side, the plumber angle reads unique and interesting, I anticipate he uses his knowledge of drains to escape the vessel? Can't say that's been done before. Wby just the plumber? Have him needRead more

    Mentioning that it’s unmanned shouldn’t be included in the logline because it reveals something.

    On the plus side, the plumber angle reads unique and interesting, I anticipate he uses his knowledge of drains to escape the vessel? Can’t say that’s been done before.

    Wby just the plumber? Have him need to save others. Up the stakes.

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