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A timid taxi driver must foil a contract killer’s plan to kill five people in one night after being forced to transport him around L.A.
Sharp & straight to the point. Just one question: why did you choose not to begin with "After being forced to transport him? "
Sharp & straight to the point. Just one question: why did you choose not to begin with “After being forced to transport him? “
See lessAn ambitious young street magician must undergo a rite of death and rebirth to defeat the guardian of a magical world hidden within our own.
Here's a first rewrite: "When he discovers that his estranged father is a real spellcaster, an ambitious street magician must enter a magical world and defeat its dark lord." Problem: the EVENT seems irrelevant to the ACTION. He discovers that his father casts real spells, so he must defeat the guarRead more
Here’s a first rewrite:
“When he discovers that his estranged father is a real spellcaster, an ambitious street magician must enter a magical world and defeat its dark lord.”
Problem: the EVENT seems irrelevant to the ACTION. He discovers that his father casts real spells, so he must defeat the guardian of the magical world? What’s the connection? Is the father the guardian?
Probably not. So let’s make it clearer, by slightly changing the EVENT. Rewrite #2:
“When his estranged father reveals himself as a wizard and asks for his help to protect the world, a clumsy street magician must enter a spiritual world and defeat a demon lord planning humanity’s enslavement.”
So, “… must undergo a rite of death and rebirth” and “… defeat the guardian of a magical world hidden within our own” sound too general for some reason.
Also, the “ambitious” characteristic doesn’t pay off. If he is ambitious, he enters this adventure because he sees potential for his own fame. Does he?
See lessAfter discovering that his mother is dying, an exiled gangster turned priest must reconcile with the family he abandoned; but when his vengeful ex partner in crime threatens their lives, he must choose between his faith and his family.
A rewrite, just for the sake of tightening (and fixing the fact that it seems to have 2 inciting incidents):After discovering his mother is dying, an exiled gangster turned priest must confront his vengeful ex partner in crime, in order to return and see her.In case the final "her" confuses the readRead more
A rewrite, just for the sake of tightening (and fixing the fact that it seems to have 2 inciting incidents):
In case the final “her” confuses the reader (since “her” can be the ex partner in crime), you can also say:
People on this forum have mentioned several times (and rightly so) that “choosing between A and B” or “deciding something” cannot be the logline’s ACTION.
Choosing or deciding, first of all, is an internal process. Find the externalised manifestation of it and call it ACTION.
Second, choosing/deciding is a momentary action. So, he chooses A. The end. Unless complications arise. Then, we need to know how he deals with the complications. That, then, is the action, not “choosing.”
But your logline is definitely in better shape now.
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