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In a tragic incident that led to the dead of parents and the loss of her eyes as a child, a blind female psychologist who is very good in using her other senses is hired by the FBI to solve crimes.
I agree with the previous comments. You got a good character. In case you are going for a feature film (vs a TV show), use the formula's structure to mention specific inciting incident and action. "When the FBI hires her as a consultant, a blind psychologist with a heightened intuition must unravelRead more
I agree with the previous comments.
You got a good character. In case you are going for a feature film (vs a TV show), use the formula’s structure to mention specific inciting incident and action.
“When the FBI hires her as a consultant, a blind psychologist with a heightened intuition must unravel the conspiracy behind a brutal murder case.”
Heightened other senses would be useful to an action hero like Daredevil. If she is more into getting into the mind of murderers, an intuition would be more useful.
See lessAfter he finds out the mysterious woman he spent the night with is his fiancee’s stepmother, a troubled playboy must navigate a weekend retreat filled with sexual tension and jealousy.
"Stepmother" is lowering the stakes. Yes, a stepmother can be very close and beloved, but why choose using a "stepmother" in the story over a "mother?" Wouldn't making her of the same blood add to the conflict? Just a thought. So, you have: EVENT: the discovery that he has had a one-night stand withRead more
“Stepmother” is lowering the stakes. Yes, a stepmother can be very close and beloved, but why choose using a “stepmother” in the story over a “mother?” Wouldn’t making her of the same blood add to the conflict? Just a thought.
So, you have:
EVENT: the discovery that he has had a one-night stand with his fianc?e’s (step)mother.
CHARACTER: a troubled playboy. I object to the word “troubled” because it is too general. Find something more specific. What is wrong with him? Does he not want to get married? Is he a pyromaniac? Is he closeted gay? Is he a serial killer? Is he a superhero? Be specific when hinting what troubles him.
ACTION: here is the big problem. You blur the waters completely as to what he is supposed to be doing for the whole movie. You say: must navigate a weekend retreat filled with sexual tension and jealousy. Huh? So what? “Navigate?” A retreat “filled with this or that?” Even if the retreat is filled with anything, why would it be about him? Who takes part in the retreat? What is there to win or lose?
What is the story about?
See lessWhen an exiled gangster turned priest discovers that his mother is dying, he must make peace with his ex partner in crime in order to return home.
There are a couple of things that bother me more than what stands between the two men.1First, the ACTION the protagonist must take: making peace. It is too general.How can he make peace with the ex partner in crime? Must he make amends for something that he did? Must he run an errand for the crime lRead more
There are a couple of things that bother me more than what stands between the two men.
1
First, the ACTION the protagonist must take: making peace. It is too general.
How can he make peace with the ex partner in crime? Must he make amends for something that he did? Must he run an errand for the crime lord? Then, we ask again: How would that happen? Should he go and apologise? Or give the other man a share of money that he took for himself? Or what?
The answer to the question how will he make peace must be an action that sustains about an hour of film time?the Second Act.
And we need to see it in the logline.
2
The “priest” element does not pay of. It may pay off in the script, but I suggest you make the payoff evident (or implied) in the logline.
Why a priest and not a green grocer? It must be more than just characterisation. It should offer some ironic relationship to what happens to him in the story. Perhaps the ex partner in crime comes for a confession? Or as a priest he doesn’t want to kill anymore? Why a priest? Make the “priest” element work. Otherwise name him “a retired ganster.”
See less