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A na?ve teenager takes a job as an interstellar mailman, to move to a paradise planet. On the job, he gets chased by foreign agents and assassins and discovers his paradise isn’t as good as it sounds
It sounds like a juicy sci-fi comedy. Well done! Do consider the previous comments for fixing the story, but I love the "Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy" or "Space Quest" feel.
It sounds like a juicy sci-fi comedy. Well done! Do consider the previous comments for fixing the story, but I love the “Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” or “Space Quest” feel.
See lessWhen a savage killer hunts a Chicago neighborhood, a seasoned detective must stop him; but the cop quickly becomes the prey, left with his rookie partner as the only one he can trust.
The logline practically is: "When a savage killer stalks a Chicago neighborhood, a seasoned but [flawed] detective must stop him, with the help of his [complimentary flawed] rookie partner." I keep the rookie partner element because it's the only thing that differentiates this logline from any otherRead more
The logline practically is:
“When a savage killer stalks a Chicago neighborhood, a seasoned but [flawed] detective must stop him, with the help of his [complimentary flawed] rookie partner.”
I keep the rookie partner element because it’s the only thing that differentiates this logline from any other police thriller ever made. Find the flaws.
Can you think of anyhing that makes the story special? Perhaps the killer’s MO? Perhaps the protagonists’ flaws? Or the dynamic between them?
(For example, in “Seven” the MO related to the 7 deadly sins was the hook that made the story unique.)
The following is part of the genre convention, so I wouldn’t bother with it:
“… the cop quickly becomes the prey, left with his rookie partner as the only one he can trust.”
The cop in police thrillers always becomes the killer’s target, in Act Three. So nothing special here.
See lessA celebrity priest renounces his faith after mistakenly believing he cured children of cystic fibrosis, only to discover they were victims of Munchhausen by Proxy.
I had to google both conditions. It's better not to be too specific, if it's not something most people know by name. (Why do they have to have the same disease, by the way?) The other thing is... Would anyone "lose faith" from such an incident? What was the big deal? He thought he could play Jesus aRead more
I had to google both conditions. It’s better not to be too specific, if it’s not something most people know by name.
(Why do they have to have the same disease, by the way?)
The other thing is… Would anyone “lose faith” from such an incident? What was the big deal? He thought he could play Jesus and he found out he couldn’t after all. A faithful priest would be more humble than that. Being a “celebrity priest” (is this a TV role?) it sounds as if his ego was the one taking the bullet. Perhaps his faith was not there to be lost in the first place. In other words, what’s nice about this guy? Is his journey one from arrogance to humility?
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