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After his wife is killed by a rival street gang, a reformed criminal follows his dreams to teach music. But when a school shooting forces lockdown, he must protect a disabled protege.
It's very promising. But Protect a protege is weird, because protege means protected person. So, protect a person with a protection. I feel that there can be a lots of options for dramatic events, however, in your logline, the events don't connect. Or at least their connection isn't that strong. MayRead more
It’s very promising. But
Protect a protege is weird, because protege means protected person. So, protect a person with a protection. I feel that there can be a lots of options for dramatic events, however, in your logline, the events don’t connect. Or at least their connection isn’t that strong. Maybe you need to find irrelevant details, cross them out and reduce it to 2-3 sentences. It will make it clear for us (and you) whats the important factors of the story.
What may not be important is that his wife was killed by a street gang. It intrigues that he is feeling guilty, but that can be put in another, shorter way. The fact that he teaches music seems irrelevant too. Also why he must protect the guy and why its important that he is disabled?
When mad shooter attacks the school, the music teacher, a reformed criminal responsible for death of his wife, must protect his students (reason) to redeem his soul/because no one else can.
My line is not great, just want to demonstrate what I mean. Hopefully it will help 😉 Good luck
See lessAfter an accident causes a successful CEO to lose both legs, he is forced to re-evaluate his life and identity
Yes, something whats at stakes is missing. Some goal or reason and it should be primal (death, family) like he is going to die, or perhaps the goal could be even a hero's inner journey. Like he was reckless and since the incident, nobody counts his successful career anymore as he is an utter jerk. SRead more
Yes, something whats at stakes is missing. Some goal or reason and it should be primal (death, family) like he is going to die, or perhaps the goal could be even a hero’s inner journey. Like he was reckless and since the incident, nobody counts his successful career anymore as he is an utter jerk. So he has to change or he risk to loose everything what has left.
Like:
After a crippling accident, reckless CEO has to change the way he lived or he will loose his family and even his own life.
See lessA survivalist is forced to defend his post-apocalypse community from anti-technology fanatics and a traitor within the community's leadership.
I agree with the guys. Goal is missing. A survivalist i understand means, that the guy does not care about anyone just beside himself? Its a nice irony that now he must defend the city and actually he starts to care. But why? What makes him special? For that reason survivalist does not work. He don'Read more
I agree with the guys. Goal is missing. A survivalist i understand means, that the guy does not care about anyone just beside himself? Its a nice irony that now he must defend the city and actually he starts to care. But why? What makes him special? For that reason survivalist does not work. He don’t have a motive to start care. And is forced? Like they put a gun on his head and told him to shoot on other guys? Maybe some woman is involved? Or family values?
See less