1. Posted: February 23, 2013In:

    When team of zombie fighting monsters lose their commander an overzealous commando orders them to protect a solitary human that could save their food source from extinction.

    JanCabal Logliner

    Its a nice and definitely original idea - zombie-fighting monsters (which still feeds on humans) needs to save humans or they will extinct (not enough food). But I have to agree that the logline is very, very unclear and complicated. Perhaps it would help to put only the important information and thRead more

    Its a nice and definitely original idea – zombie-fighting monsters (which still feeds on humans) needs to save humans or they will extinct (not enough food). But I have to agree that the logline is very, very unclear and complicated.

    Perhaps it would help to put only the important information and then make it a logline.

    Like: Commando – needs to save human who is a cure (cure against zombie plague i guess?) who is likely to be eaten by zombies. So its a triangle – monsters, humans, zombies. Not sure if its important that they had lost their commander.

    Overzealous does not feel much as a perk, but it perhaps intrigue a comedy? What about starving? It actually adds up on irony, that starving monsters needs to protect their food alive and it can generate a lots of comedy-tension like situation.

    From all of it I would build the following:

    When zombies ate all human food source, a breed of starving monsters needs to protect last living woman with a cure to the plague, or they have to face the extinction.

    I know that I have turned it upside down, but hopefully it will help you somehow to find a way to communicate the story in more simple way 😉

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  2. Posted: February 22, 2013In:

    When a meticulous hitman kills the wrong target, he is wounded and has only two hours to figure out who betrayed him before the Mob takes its brutal revenge.

    JanCabal Logliner

    You getting in there mate. Just one thing - why two hours? Does two hours playing any important role in your story? Is a bomb set that way? Or mob gave him ultimatum that he has to come to him or he shots his daughter in two hours? If you don't have such a thing in there, then its an irrelevant factRead more

    You getting in there mate. Just one thing – why two hours? Does two hours playing any important role in your story? Is a bomb set that way? Or mob gave him ultimatum that he has to come to him or he shots his daughter in two hours?

    If you don’t have such a thing in there, then its an irrelevant fact and you can cut it out, making it shorter. Or add what’s at stake? What’s the mob’s revenge? How the mob finds him and kills him? How the mob wants (or how is he able to) track him down and kill him in two hours.

    When you point this one out, you got it.

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  3. Posted: February 23, 2013In:

    After publicly exposing his angelic abilities, a guilt-ridden teenager must confront his origins in order to hone his skills and protect his loved ones from his fallen angel father.

    JanCabal Logliner

    This is a very good logline, the only thing that I miss is why the fallen angel father goes after his loved ones. Not sure if you know it or if you are hiding it as some sort of final twist, but it is important to mention that in your logline. I guess that it can be that his father wants to wipe outRead more

    This is a very good logline, the only thing that I miss is why the fallen angel father goes after his loved ones. Not sure if you know it or if you are hiding it as some sort of final twist, but it is important to mention that in your logline. I guess that it can be that his father wants to wipe out them all in order to get son for his own evil purposes. But only you know. Also fallen angel father is very practical but does not sounds good. Maybe – “protect his loved ones from a fallen angel – his own father!”

    Otherwise, great work! You can now only triumph newest Twilight.

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