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As famine rages, a sharecropper makes a bargain with the landowner for food in exchange of his attractive wife, but the landowner, who is the Devil testing Man's Soul, also wants his innocent 14 year old daughter.
Good premise but the logline doesn't tell us what type of movie to expect. What is the sharecropper's course of action? Does he grant his daughter, then tries to get her back? Or is he fighting famine, refusing to give in to the Devil's demand? A logline must give us a fairly good understanding of wRead more
Good premise but the logline doesn’t tell us what type of movie to expect.
What is the sharecropper’s course of action? Does he grant his daughter, then tries to get her back?
Or is he fighting famine, refusing to give in to the Devil’s demand?
A logline must give us a fairly good understanding of what type of action to expect for most of the movie (i.e. in Act Two).
If this is a character journey (which for some reason I believe it would be), we need to see what the sharecropper’s weakness is. Is he overly pragmatic? Doesn’t he consult his wife before doing the deal?
It would be better for the logline if some of these issues were clear.
See lessSuffering heart damage after a weapons sale is ambushed by terrorsists, a military industrialist/ playboy builds a hi-tech armoured suit to save his own life and protect his company from the people he trusts.
Always to a spell-check on your logline. "terrorsists" doesn't look too good. "a military industrialist/ playboy" lacks the hero's flaw. This can be clearer. "to save his own life and protect his company from the people he trusts": this sounds odd because the logline doesn't clarify who 'the peopleRead more
Always to a spell-check on your logline. “terrorsists” doesn’t look too good.
“a military industrialist/ playboy” lacks the hero’s flaw. This can be clearer.
“to save his own life and protect his company from the people he trusts”: this sounds odd because the logline doesn’t clarify who ‘the people he trusts’ are and how they turn against him. This can be clearer.
Also try to avoid open-ended goals in the logline. If he is going to save his life and protect his company, how long is this going to take? When will this have a happy ending? Or in other words: what does the audience want to see on the screen to understand the story is over?
See lessCorey Mann a cat suit wearing anime obsessive gives the comic that he wrote to a girl thinking that she will pass it on to the publisher she works for. When he finds his comic in the trash, and he is kicked out of school he questions whether or not his dream of moving to japan is realistic
The logline is too long and cumbersome. You will need to trim and tighten. "Corey Mann a cat suit wearing anime obsessive": you need a comma in there. Make sure the grammar is correct or the reader will struggle to get it. Is the hero too much of an oddball?? How will you make him relatable? "givesRead more
The logline is too long and cumbersome. You will need to trim and tighten.
“Corey Mann a cat suit wearing anime obsessive”: you need a comma in there. Make sure the grammar is correct or the reader will struggle to get it.
Is the hero too much of an oddball?? How will you make him relatable?
“gives the comic that he wrote to a girl thinking that she will pass it on to the publisher she works for” makes the hero sound naive, which is not good for empathy with the main character.
“When he finds his comic in the trash, and he is kicked out of school”: it is hard to see any connection between these two events, therefor it may confuse the reader. Also, finding the comic book in the trash may simply not be enough of a starter for a big story. Being kicked out of school isn’t, either.
“he questions whether or not his dream of moving to japan is realistic”: again, we don’t see the relationship between the events above and this dream of moving to Japan. Why is this dream so important to him? For this to work, the audience needs to get it – and want it with him.
See less