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When a loyal consigliere finds himself caught between warring mobs after his advice is ignored, he must navigate between his boss, his mistress and the rival mobsters while staying alive.
Any comments? Don't be shy!
Any comments? Don’t be shy!
See lessWhen an orphaned, mixed race American teen is sent to live with his Holocaust survivor grandmother in Sydney, he must learn to overcome his own racial and cultural prejudices and accept his rich family heritage.
There's a lot - maybe too much - to take in for the reader... and yet there's not enough story. The inciting incident is clear: hero is thrown out of the comfort zone and becomes fish out of water. But what follows is purely an indication of an Inner Journey, not of a screen story. "to overcome hisRead more
There’s a lot – maybe too much – to take in for the reader… and yet there’s not enough story.
The inciting incident is clear: hero is thrown out of the comfort zone and becomes fish out of water.
But what follows is purely an indication of an Inner Journey, not of a screen story. “to overcome his own racial and cultural prejudices and accept his rich family heritage” is not a story people buy expensive movie tickets for to see. Find (or include in the logline) the Outer Journey that is the vehicle for this theme and you may have more luck.
In terms of character, you may have layered just a little too much for the reader’s 25 word attention span: an orphaned, mixed race, racially and culturally prejudiced American teen… Ask yourself: which parts are essential to the story?
Perhaps you can leave out the ‘orphaned’ because I’m assuming this is the cause of the inciting incident. And all that matters here is that the teenager is thrown into a new world. At this stage we don’t need to know why.
See lessWith nuclear attack on Israel looming, a hardened Mossad spy falls in love with her agent – the wife of an Iranian nuclear physicist.
A logline is only 25 words (or less). Avoid any typos or grammatical errors. The second word is missing already... I know this is only a web site to get your loglines reviewed, not a production company. But still: you need to practice perfection. Stuff like this distracts and for people like me (witRead more
A logline is only 25 words (or less). Avoid any typos or grammatical errors.
The second word is missing already…
I know this is only a web site to get your loglines reviewed, not a production company. But still: you need to practice perfection. Stuff like this distracts and for people like me (with literally no time to waste) this is a terrible annoyance.
I can see that there is tremendous ironic power in this concept. Yet, I’m confused… Is this a political lesbian love story? Or is “her agent” another typo? Is the agent a counter-agent? Perhaps I’m not sufficiently au fait with the world of secret agencies but I didn’t know that spies by definition have agents.
See, with this error in the early part of the sentence, I’m not sure how to read the logline. Is it original or just sloppy?
In any case, I can see the potential of the story – but other than the lesbian angle (if it is there) I don’t see anything massively original. We have seen plenty of crime/spy stories where the hero falls in love with the antagonist – or with one of her team. Very ‘Bond’…
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