Comments very much appreciated, Tony & Anonymous. So, now I know you know exactly how I feel about this logline. Yes, I think I’ve got a potentially killer movie, I’ve written the script and I’ve been pitching the logline with little success. In my mind, this means I’m not getting the logline right.

Now, I’ve pitched loglines before – for other scripts – and gotten a tremendous number of script requests even though the script was – shall we say, not a killer.

So, we all know the hooks in my story – they’ve featured in all the iterations you’ve been reading. But how do I get the best of them into a logline so I can get the script requested? So, that’s the struggle you’ve been witnessing. It’s not pretty but you’ve gotta know why you’re doing it and what you want from it.

I agree that the hook about the enforcer having to kill himself is very strong but hard to include in the logline for all the reasons we’ve been discussing through various iterations.

I agree that the young Londoner kinda finds the case since it falls from a balcony along with a businessman and he just happens by and grabs it – like I’ve said before – in a moment of madness.

Hi dpg & richiev,

His flaw or blind spot? In a moment of weakness – driven by poverty – he steals the money.

What does he learn at the end of act 2 that helps him prevail against the enforcer? That he can make a difference with his life, overcome feelings of remorse for taking the money and getting a friend killed subsequently and shake off the family stigma – by giving the money to a charitable cause, knowing the consequences when the enforcer catches up with him. Fear of death is what exploiters hold over the exploited. By making a difference with his life he is able to conquer his fear.

Richiev, the story is written so the logline is a marketing tool. So, yes – like you implied – it needs a strong hook and needs to be concise and true to the story. But as the writer – naturally I can’t see the woods for the trees. Talking about believability? It’s a story and it only needs to obey its own logic – be true to it’s own world. And that’s true for all stories – even real life incidents. Certain real life stories may be so unbelievable even though they are actual fact, simply because real life does not need to justify itself. But stories require in-built logic in order for the audience to ‘suspend disbelief’. And thanks for raising the question – a lot of movies ignore story logic for the sake of third act thrills(Hollywood are you listening?).