1. Posted: February 4, 2017In:

    Granted one week to hunt down the true assassin, a lovesick hitman must execute his fiance on day seven when she unwittingly poisons his boss, the kingpin of crime.

    Knightrider Mentor

    You could go "The Departed" or "Mr and Mrs Smith" that they are hired to kill each other or they work for the opposition and are hunting the person who killed the mob boss, but also have a mundane marriage.Maybe throw in a moral dilemma, as right now, i think people will assume doesn't kill bis fianRead more

    You could go “The Departed” or “Mr and Mrs Smith” that they are hired to kill each other or they work for the opposition and are hunting the person who killed the mob boss, but also have a mundane marriage.

    Maybe throw in a moral dilemma, as right now, i think people will assume doesn’t kill bis fianc?. Maybe this is a fight for a son’s love between the new woman on the block and the mother. So, the Mother is the Mob Boss, her son her protector, but he falls for a Cop or Rival gang assassin who is the one he is unknowingly protecting her from.

    When he finds out who is trying to kill his mother and who his mother wants him to kill in order to end it, well up to you where you go. It could work as a Dark Comedy if you wanted. Anyways point being, I just need a reason to think he would kill his lover if he is love sick.

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  2. Posted: February 5, 2017In:

    After witnessing a UFO crash landing, a precocious silver miner’s daughter tries to make sense of her place in the universe. Too bad, she?s brought the alien home with her.

    Knightrider Mentor

    You have an Inciting Incident, Character, but then it becomes a little lost. Finding her place is the character act, she starts out lost and directionless and through interaction / protection of the alien she has a purpose or meaning a direction in life. That however isn't the goal, that change comeRead more

    You have an Inciting Incident, Character, but then it becomes a little lost. Finding her place is the character act, she starts out lost and directionless and through interaction / protection of the alien she has a purpose or meaning a direction in life.

    That however isn’t the goal, that change comes from chasing the goal, which is what is missing here.

    Is she trying to get the Alien home before the government take it away, is she trying to rebuild the ship. A logline needs to contain a physical goal.

    Hope that helps.

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  3. Posted: February 3, 2017In:

    DPG gave me a tip on my characters falling in love online: After connecting online with his dream girl, a country star, an agoraphobic author starts a therapy, but he must join her in public or risks losing her.

    Knightrider Mentor

    The therapy seems a little unconnected. I assume it is to help get out into public, but doesn't quite feel right. You certainly have a story where you could have a theme of love being about what lies underneath, and not being skin deep. So, you could say she is going to a debutant ball, where her trRead more

    The therapy seems a little unconnected. I assume it is to help get out into public, but doesn’t quite feel right.

    You certainly have a story where you could have a theme of love being about what lies underneath, and not being skin deep.

    So, you could say she is going to a debutant ball, where her traditional family want her to meet a certain type of person. This gives you a timer, and still ties to theme, and ensures her choice to perhaps live him isn’t hers and being forced.

    Then for him he must overcome his fear, so can still have the therapy but maybe say: decides to undertake his therapists crazy treatment plan to overcome his fear etc

    Hope that helps

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